It’s hard to get by just upon a smile

Not too much to write about right now. 

I’ve been having new fears and doubts about having a child. Every time I turn on the news I think to myself “Wow, do I want to bring another soul in to this situation?” Shootings. War. Missing planes. Missing children. Having bullet proof blankets for children in their classrooms to protect them. And what if my child ever experienced what happened to me in February? I would never want that for him/her.  I feel like it’s a scary freaking world out there. And I look at my grandparents. My mother was born in 1964 and my father in 1962 – this was a few year’s after the Cuban Missile Crisis, and during the Cold War, and Vietnam was gearing up. Weren’t they scared to bring children in to the world with that going on? I suppose I will have to ask that question. It was certainly a tumultuous time, at least as far as the history books tell us.

These are my own doubts and fears I need to work through and process. Again. I already worked through them the first time, before we tried to get pregnant last year. Now I am thinking about them again.  I know the 24 hour news cycle sensationalizes these stories, and I know that just because it is possible doesn’t mean it is probable. In my mind I get that. I just constantly need to remind myself of that.

I had the day off from work today and loved it. Even though it was a rainy day. I slept in an hour later than I usually get, had an hour massage, bought myself some goodies at Victoria’s Secret, got a new recycle bin (ours got very very damaged during the past winter) and finished Orange is the New Black. Nothing special but it was certainly better than working.

The Husband and I have been having unprotected sex again and sex has become more enjoyable the more we do it. The first time after my D&E was not very good. But I wasn’t expecting fireworks and I was actually a little nervous about it. Now it is better, thank goodness. As for TTC, to be honest my cycle is out of whack – after my D&E it took 8 weeks, then 5 weeks. This will be my third cycle since February. And it is taking it’s time!

And a final thought – a quote that was in a marketing email I received last week:
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

— Joseph Campbell
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1 Response to It’s hard to get by just upon a smile

  1. myhopejar says:

    Great quote! and so true! Glad you and the hubby are trying again. I know it's so scary, and when we go through loss, it gets even scarier and it's hard to not start to question everything all over again, but for all the bad in the world, there is also so much good. Sending you so many positive thoughts for a bfp very soon!


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