The Husband and I had a talk tonight about where we are and where we want to go with respect to the “baby-making.” I feel like I needed to talk about it so we can both put it out there. And I think part of the reason I am so sad and miserable is because I feel like I am doing NOTHING. I have no plan, am taking no action, nothing. I don’t like that feeling. I am unhappy and stagnant. I feel like I should be doing something to change things if I am so unhappy. So we talked and I told him how I was feeling, and even though I kept asking him how he was feeling he just kept agreeing with me. I think he is afraid to upset me and rock the boat for fear that I will flip out in anger or start crying. He also made a point to tell me I shouldn’t hate extremely dislike the pregnant people we know, but until he has a D&E at 19 weeks he can shove it, I am going to feel however I want to feel about that right now. I’m sorry, but I’m still not at a point where I am thrilled for them. Especially when they never reached out to me in February. So I guess we are going to start TTC this month. He did say he doesn’t want to feel like a work horse and doesn’t want to feel like all he is good for is sex. So I am going to try and be sensitive of that. I am nervous, afraid, glad that I have a plan, glad that we talked about it. I won’t be happy if I don’t try, and I won’t be happy if I do try and we get pregnant – then I will just be nervous and scared. Right now I don’t feel like there is an easy way for me no matter what I decide to do.
What did I do this weekend? Saturday I went to the gym, grocery shopped then had dinner with The Husband. We grilled chicken and veggies and had dinner by the fire pit. It was pretty delicious, if I may say so myself. I love cooking on the grill. I marinated some chicken breasts in teriyaki then grilled some zucchini, squash and carrots. I used olive oil, pepper and garlic salt to flavor the veggies. That with a couple of beers and a nice fire. My neighbors were also having a fire so after dinner I went over to visit with them and had a beer. The Husband stayed home – sometimes he is just anti social, but he claims it was because he was up early to work half a day then golfed all afternoon in the sun. But even if he hadn’t, I don’t think he would have wanted to go over. That’s just how he is. He likes to hang out with his friends and doesn’t always want to make new friends. Not that they are new, we have been in this house for over five years and have known them since then, but we certainly aren’t over there every night or anything.
|Come on baby, light my fire
Yesterday I went to the beach with my friend K. It was a beautiful beach day. Sunny, not a cloud in the sky in the morning. Breezy. We have a routine – we head to the beach around 10 AM. On my way I stop and get us sandwiches at a local convenience store, and she brings fruit (yesterday was watermelon). I bring the music, we each bring our little coolers with drinks and spray bottles and we sit there all day. And talk about life. K is one of my best friends, but we definitely see more of each other in the summer due to a shared love of the beach. I see her year round but a lot more in the summer. We go to the beach every weekend we can. And we talk about things we never talk about any other time. It’s like our “safe zone.” Sometimes other people join us, like her sister or some of our mutual friends, but yesterday it was just us. I got a little bit of a sun burn even with SPF 50! But I needed a little color. Next time I will have to be more vigilant about reapplying. I wanted to go for a run before the gym, but didn’t wake up early enough. Well, I did wake up, but was snuggling with my doggie and didn’t want to get out of bed. It’s the dog’s fault for being so darn lovable.
After the beach I went over to my other neighbor’s house with 3 of the other neighborhood ladies. There’s some gossip on our street now – we have new neighbors that are wreaking havoc on our street. They chopped down EVERY SINGLE tree in their backyard, which totally changes the view of my neighbor K’s front yard since K’s house is across from theirs. They have three kids that run all around, in and out of yards, leaving behind toys, rollerblades, etc. and I don’t even know if the parents watch them! Also, we suspect one of our other neighbors is dealing drugs out of her home. So year, lots of gossip to catch up on. I will have my eye out for the happenings down on the other end of the street, that’s for sure.
Today was work. It was BLAH. I feel the same way I did last month after my period – sort of “out of it”, hazy, unmotivated, lethargic. Not so much moody, but I feel removed from everything. If that makes sense. The same way I felt last month when I had to skip my exercise class and get afternoon coffees. I haven’t done that yet (skipped class or the coffee) and I hope I don’t have to. I went to the gym today during my lunch hour so I feel good that I did SOMETHING. So yeah. That’s what I’ve been up to the past three days. What about you???