I Want to Go Back Down and Lie Beside the Sea There

So my last post was right on point about the PMS-y moodiness. I got a couple of awful cramps this morning, then this afternoon my period started. This marks my second period since the D&E, and according to my doctor we are now “okay” to start trying again. She said we should wait at least two cycles, and by cycles she said she meant menstruating twice.

Now the question: do I want to start trying again? Should I start trying again? Was losing the baby a sign that I am not meant to be a mother? To add to this, I came across an article the other day about maternal mortality rates. I don’t know how many readers of this blog are currently pregnant, so I won’t go into everything I read, but it made me extremely fearful of getting pregnant. And I was already pregnant earlier this year! And obviously I physically survived! But not huge pregnant. Not 36 or 38 weeks. I made it 19 weeks. So yeah, I read this article, it struck fear in me, I’ve been obsessed with it ever since and am now convinced that IF we try again, and IF I get pregnant, I will die during childbirth.

A few weeks ago I thought I would die on my business trip.

Before my D&E I thought I would die during the procedure.

I am getting paranoid and maybe I need to talk to a professional. I already go to my support group, but that’s about grief and loss. We certainly touch on other subjects but it isn’t like talking to a therapist on my own about my anxiety. Some days I feel fine and I have no anxiety, then days like today I am obsessed with the fact that something terrible is going to happen to me. That I will be in the ONE, again. The ONE who gets a blood clot, or hemorrhages, or has a stroke, or whatever terrible thing can happen. Then I get fearful because I think it will be a self fulfilling prophecy – now that I thought it, it is going to happen, and it’s my fault for thinking it. Now that I put this in to words and typed it out, I jinxed myself or something.

Sigh.

This weekend wasn’t all terrible. Friday night I went out with my best friend. That experience will have to be for another post. Saturday I went to the gym then The Husband took me out to dinner to a very nice restaurant that we’d never been. It was a little expensive but VERY yummy and I splurged and had tiramisu for dessert. Sunday was my day of epic moodiness. I went out with my mother for lunch and shopping. Then came home and shit hit the fan! I got it in my head that I wanted to buy a boat. It’s summer, the warm weather is here, I love the water and I want a boat! This isn’t very practical for us but I wouldn’t hear it. I had the idea in my head and had it all worked out and that was it. The Husband tried to talk some sense into me, and most of it was true and on point, but then I lost it. I accused him of “crushing my dreams”, “being a wet blanket”, “always saying no”, and told him I should just leave since “we don’t want the same things out of life.”

Yeah. I went there.

Then I left and went to my friend K’s cookout. The Husband had already told me he was staying home due to a headache, and that added to my fury. He golfed all day but couldn’t go out with me to our friend’s cookout! I made sure to bring that up during my ranting. The cookout was good but I was in a pissy mood. Yesterday I went for a run then had a family cookout, again The Husband didn’t go. He was golfing. So I made sure to thank him for sparing me ONE EVENING out of the whole long weekend. However last night we kissed and made up and all is well now.

Today I took a vacation day. I went for lunch with my grandmother and youngest cousin P, who is five years old. The food was good, and it was cloudy so not like I could head to the beach. I didn’t make it to the gym, my cramps were too uncomfortable. I wanted to go but c’est la vie.

For the record I would love to own a boat. Not a sail boat. I love sailing but I don’t think I have the skill or patience to learn.

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