What Is and What Should Never Be

A night to myself tonight – The Husband has golf league on Wednesday nights, so I get to come home and have the house to myself. Well, me and my girls (the cat and dog). My poor little love bug doggie has been feeling sick – she’s had diarrhea and even had an accident last night in the house. That NEVER happens. I can count on one hand the number of accidents she has had since being house trained. I feel so bad for her. She’s just a poor thing right now. We got her special food and some medicine at the vet to hopefully get her past this. I just hope it doesn’t get any worse. She’s truly the sweetest, cutest, best doggie ever and I don’t know what I would do if she got seriously ill. 

So I’ve just been working, running and working out! Last night I had a group meeting too. We talked about faith, and if having to make a decision has altered our faith at all. Personally, for me it has not. I was an atheist before this happened and I am an atheist now. Nothing has changed in that regard. One thing I do struggle with though, is “life.” As in, did I end a life? When does life begin? That I don’t know. I don’t believe it begins at conception. I used to say it is at viability, but I lost my baby prior to viability (not that my baby was ever viable).  And even though my baby wasn’t at that point I felt kicking. I saw movement. Isn’t that something? Yes, it is. Is it life? Is it existence? Things can exist and not be alive. I don’t know. Does life begin when we cut the cord? These are the things that I wonder about from time to time. Not about any gods or any religion or if this decision I made went against my core beliefs and values.

Another thing I mentioned last night was the whole “coulda, woulda, shoulda.” I am trying to stop myself when I start thinking “I should be __ weeks along” or “I should be picking out baby clothes” or “I would have been at my baby shower”. Instead of thinking those things I try and stop myself and focus myself in the moment. I shouldn’t be anywhere except where I am right now. This is the place I am supposed to be. If I was supposed to be pregnant, I would be. For whatever reason, this is the path I am supposed to be on. It wasn’t my choice but nevertheless we don’t get to choose everything that happens. Life isn’t fair and doesn’t bow to us and our wishes. We can’t control everything. It’s a hard concept for a control freak (yes, I can be a control freak!) We don’t have to like it, and we don’t have to be happy about it and we can be angry, sad, mad, pissed off, hurt, etc. etc. I have certainly felt all of those emotions in the past three months, more so than any other time in my life.

Who knows how I will feel tomorrow. I might read this tomorrow and think it is baloney and wonder, “WTF was I thinking when I wrote that?”

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One Response to What Is and What Should Never Be

  1. myhopejar says:

    Sending you a big hug hon. That's all ❤

    Like

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