One of the hardest feelings for me to deal with related to losing our baby is a persistent feeling of failure. I feel like I failed. My goal was to create and bring home a healthy baby. I didn’t do that.
This feeling is hard for me to deal with because I haven’t failed too much before. Not that I am perfect or successful 100% of the time at all of my endeavors. But my major life goals, the major tasks, the big picture things – I usually achieve what I set out to do. It hasn’t always been easy, but I’ve done it.
- College? Check – got in to all the colleges to which I applied.
- Job? Check – hired out of college.
- Grad school? Check – completed my MBA in 2009. Worked full time and took night courses.
- House? Check – bought our home in 2008 a few months before out wedding.
- Marriage? Check – married The Husband in 2008 after dating four years.
- New job? Check – started at my current company in 2012 after almost five (mostly unhappy) years at my first job.
- Promotion? Check – promoted last year.
- Baby? XXXXXXXX
So yeah, losing the baby seems like a glaring failure in my life. Aside from the sadness, the grief and the anger, the FAILURE has been tough to swallow. I haven’t wanted to talk about losing the baby with my friends or family. I talk to The Husband and I talk to the ladies in my grief support group. But I don’t want to talk about it with anyone else. I don’t want people to look at me with pity, or to think differently about me. and I know some things are out of my control, out of anyone’s control, and my best friend said that to me this weekend. I know this.
From Falling Forward – “Don’t wait until you feel positive to move forward. Act your way into feeling good. That’s the only way to start thinking more positively about yourself.”
I think that makes sense from a business perspective. Does it make sense in a personal sense? I don’t know. I certainly don’t feel good about the fact that the baby I helped create had a lethal abnormality and could not survive. I don’t know how to act as if I “feel good” about that. Maybe I can act and pretend that I feel good in general, and I think I have done a good job at that, but I don’t feel good about the situation as a whole. I feel better than I did in the immediate aftermath of the situation but I still don’t have the same sense of optimism and hope that I had at this time last year.
I am angry about what happened on my behalf and on my baby’s behalf. WTF did my baby do to deserve that? Why wasn’t my baby given a chance? Not only was I not given a chance to be a mother, my baby wasn’t given a chance to live! Where is the justice in that? The only real decision I got to make for my baby was how and when the baby’s short existence would end. I did the best I could with the circumstances I was in but why was I in those circumstances to begin with?
I don’t want to go all Nancy Kerrigan, but sometimes I want to just scream “WWWHHHHHYYYYY?”