Today I took a much enjoyed vacation day from work. It was my first vacation day of the year. The only time I’ve had off is the week I took off when I had the D&E. And believe me, that was not a vacation. And yes I took only a week off. Maybe I should have taken longer but I felt like working gave me a purpose and a reason to get out of bed every day, to shower, etc.
I went grocery shopping in the morning. Monday mornings are my new favorite day and time to do groceries. The shelves were stocked, no crowds, no people selling stuff outside the doors for whatever cause they care about, nothing. When I got home I took the dog for a walk. Then I had lunch with an old co worker who is leaving the company I used to work for and starting a new job this month. We went to one of my favorite restaurants from when I worked in that area. The food was good, the company was good. On the way home I met The Husband at our favorite ice cream shop. He took a small break from work to meet me. Then I came home and caught up on my DVR – Veep, Revenge, The Vampire Diaries (a guilty pleasure).
I have to travel for work next week and I am kind of dreading it. It’s only an overnight trip, I’ll be gone a little over 24 hours. But I honestly do not want to go! Usually I enjoy traveling, seeing new places, meeting new people. But ever since I lost the baby I have been feeling some anxiety about bad things happening. To me, my loved ones, my pets. I worry about The Husband at work; I worry about my father having a heart attack. I worry about my mother. My brother. I don’t even know why! None of them have any known medical issues or problems (aside from my brother’s drinking problem). But I am sure that I am now going to be The One. One out of a thousand people get XYZ Disease? I’m the one. One out of how many people break there leg? That’s me. I will say, however, that I do not believe I would be The One who wins the lottery. I feel like I am just The One who will suffer the bad things, not the good things. Which makes no sense. But that’s how I feel.
I mentioned this at my support group meeting last week and it seemed like these feelings are something that can happen. And is not completely crazy of me or unheard of. And it was pointed out that maybe losing the baby was my “quota” of bad things if you will, and the other bad things would (unfortunately) happen to other people, and losing the baby was my bad thing. I am probably not wording it correctly but that was the gist of it. Doesn’t matter, I still don’t want to travel and I am still paranoid. I have to go, because it is for work and when I took the promotion last year traveling more often came along with it. And now since I am no longer pregnant I guess I have to put on my big girl pants and go. If I was still pregnant, and not planning on traveling on this trip to this meeting, I would probably want to be going. But now I’m not and I don’t.