Ruby Tuesday

Today was a loooong day. Worked all day, then after work I went to one of my grief support group meetings. It’s a 30 minute drive to the meeting from work, then a 40 minute drive home from the meeting. So on days like today I leave the house at 7:45AM and don’t get home until 8:45PM, give or take a few minutes. 

The meeting tonight was good. There were “group alumni” there – ladies who had to make choices like we did to end their pregnancies due to medical reasons, have been through the grief support group and are now on the “other side.” One of the ladies is pregnant now, another has already been pregnant and given birth since her loss and the third has ended her reproductive activities. I kept looking at the two who have had subsequent pregnancies, one who is pregnant right now, and thinking – “How do you do it?” And she said she has fears, and nerves, and trouble sleeping but when you are ready to try again you know. All of them talked about the grief work – how it is work, but worth it. And it’s true, the work part for me. It is work for me to get up and go to work every day. It is work for me to mentally stop myself from going down a bad road when I think about my baby. It is work for me to be present with others, even my friends – to participate in the conversation, to care about what is going on, to not drift off in thoughts. To think about the future, to take care of myself by eating better and exercising. To remember my baby, to grieve, to think about what happened. All of this feels like work.

But I am getting through it. And even though I didn’t want to go to the group meeting tonight I am glad I went. I always feel better when I get there. Although it is tough to fight the urge to just go home and watch TV or cuddle with my pets.

I am still planning on buying a stone at the Martha’s Vineyard Children’s Memorial. One of the ladies that was at our group tonight has done that. They also have a Ceremony of Remembrance once a year to honor the children who have had stones placed at the memorial during that year. We are also planning on going to the Vineyard on July 21, which was our due date. Maybe we will visit the memorial at that time too. But the island is one of my favorite places in the world. It is going to be a very sad day for us but maybe being there will make it a little easier.

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