Cha-Cha

Here we are on a beautifully sunny Wednesday afternoon. I am drinking tea, chilling with my cat and typing this here blog. Sounds like a pretty good afternoon. My boss took our entire group (my team and two other teams comprise our group) out to lunch to celebrate meeting our year end targets/goals and to celebrate her 35 years with the company. After lunch she gave us the afternoon off. Sometimes I think I would rather have time than money; by that I mean, instead of giving me a raise give me an extra vacation week! Time is finite and once it’s gone, you can’t get it back. I’d rather have that than an extra $50 every week. I know I am lucky in that I can choose like that and I’m sure to other people the other option would be preferable. And that’s fine, everyone is different. But I am very happy right now knowing everyone else is at work and I am home. With my cat. Drinking tea and planning a trip to the gym. And blogging! Ha!

And I guess when I look at the hospital and doctor bills that have come in the mail, I really shouldn’t take that approach. Not that I can’t afford to pay the bills, but I was supposed to be paying hospital bills for the birth of my child; taking home the child was the prize. I have no prize. Just bitterness that now I have to pay all these bills and I have nothing to show for it.

I am thankful that my procedure went well. I am thankful to the doctors and nurse who took care of me after the procedure. I know the supplies, equipment, time, etc. costs money and I have to pay the bills. But man does it suck shelling out all that money and feeling like all I have is a lousy bitter attitude about pregnancy and a hopeless feeling that I am further away from my goal than before.

I went off the pill last May. The end of May, Memorial Day weekend. My first cycle was 27 days. Then they progressively got longer, the longest being 42 days. But we managed to conceive. And now less than a year later I have conceived and lost a baby. Even though I conceived, I feel further away from the goal of bringing home a happy, healthy child. Because now, I can’t try to conceive again until who knows when because my cycle isn’t back. And I also don’t think I can mentally wrap my mind around trying again right now. Maybe I will soon, but right now I don’t want to think about sex and I certainly don’t feel like being intimate with my husband. Poor guy. So further away in that at least when I went off the pill I felt mentally prepared. I feel like this was all just a huge step back and now I am stuck in some sort of menstrual cycle limbo.

 

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