I am having a bad night. I know life isn’t fair, but why? Why did this happen to my baby? Why us? Why do other people get pregnant, have “normal” healthy pregnancies and deliver “normal” healthy baby while others, like me, get that terrible news at the doctor’s office? That was the worst day of my life. The worst. 

I am never going to have a happy pregnancy. If we try again, and conceive, I am never going to be happy and excited. I will always be nervous and expecting the worst. I have always been pessimistic, and this whole experience affirms that for me. I have no hope that I will ever bring home a happy, healthy baby. There is something wrong with me. I can’t bounce back. Even when I think I do, it lasts about a day and the negative thoughts creep in.

That I’m not good enough. That I must have done something to deserve this. I certainly have made mistakes, and haven’t been the best daughter, sister or wife. So this is my karma. 

I just want to be pregnant. Like I’m supposed to be. I want to know if my child was a boy or a girl. I want to be planning the baby room. Thinking of baby names. Looking at my growing baby bump. I want to be looking forward to my baby shower. I want to be looking forward to July 21. Instead I am sitting here crying. Wondering why me, what is wrong with me, what is wrong with us. Maybe there is some fatal flaw in my marriage and losing this baby was a sign. That my husband and I are bad together and we even created a child that was abnormal and could not survive.


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