Welcome to my blog. I am a newbie to the online blogging sphere – I have always taken the traditional route and written out my thoughts, feelings and memories but right now I don’t want to write anything. I don’t want to see my words, in my handwriting, detailing what has happened to me and how I feel about it. Because it isn’t supposed to be my story. It’s one of those stories that I’m supposed to read about online, something that happens to other women and couples – not to me.
In early November my husband and I learned we were going to be first time parents. I got the “Big Fat Positive” on the little pee stick for the first time. My first pregnancy. My first baby.
Now I am sitting in my living room, watching a Modern Family rerun, after just having a crying fit. The crying fit was brought on by thinking about what happened to me (almost) six weeks ago. What happened to me, my husband and our baby. Our baby that is no longer in my womb. No more visits to the doctor to hear that heartbeat. No more ultrasound images to track the baby’s development. No more planning the nursery, no more thinking about items for the registry. No more weekly emails from Baby Center about my baby’s development at __ weeks (fill in the blank). No, that all stopped at 19 weeks.
We went in to the appointment excited – it was our Anatomy Scan! We were going to find out the sex of our baby! Make big plans! Our life was never going to be the same! Well, only the last thought was right. We learned that our baby had developed abnormally. Only one kidney, and hey, that kidney was enlarged and not functioning. No amniotic fluid. The baby still had a heartbeat, but it wasn’t as strong as it should be and it was a matter of time. A matter of time before the baby would pass on it’s own.
They gave us our options – 1) wait it out. Wait for what? Wait for the baby to pass on it’s own. Don’t intervene. Just carry on. Then one day, I would go in for an appointment and there would be no heartbeat. Inconceivable. 2) Induce labor. Go through the pain and time to give birth to a child that would not live. Because this abnormality was lethal. No chance for the baby to survive because the kidney wasn’t functioning. No kidney function meant no amniotic fluid. No amniotic fluid meant the lungs couldn’t develop. So go through labor and deliver a sleeping baby or a baby that would die immediately thereafter. But then we could have a little autopsy that would give us some answers. 3) Have a procedure. Have a Dilation & Evacuation, a D&E, the technical term for an abortion. It would spare me the pain and distress of going through a labor, but there would be no autopsy.
We never did find out the baby’s sex.