What’s In a Name?

One of the biggest struggles we’ve had in planning for our baby boy, other than the whole “creating a healthy baby in the first place” issue, is in deciding on a name. For some reason, I always had plenty of girls names lined up but only a few for a boy.

We found out the gender early due to having the MaterniT21 test done – and right away, I started thinking about names. I had a few in mind from the start, but The Husband was never completely sold on any of them. Now I am essentially 35 weeks (tomorrow), and it is really bothering me that we do not have a name, or at least have it narrowed down to two or three. Our list right now includes TEN names, some that I like, some that The Husband likes. We each narrowed that down to a personal top three, and there is only one of those ten names that made it on to our individual top three lists. So it would seem like that name would be the choice, right? Well, it happens to be the name of one of my biggest middle/high school crushes, who also happened to be my mother’s friend’s son, so it does have that connotation. Could I get past that? Yes. But I wouldn’t want anyone to bring up “Hey, remember when you were in LOVEEEEE with so and so in high school and went to all his baseball games and tried like mad to get him to notice you even though he thought of you as a sister and nothing more?!?!”🙂 It’s also the name of my aunt’s dog that passed away two years ago, but I really don’t care about that because they live many states away and we only see her once or twice a year (she did come up north for my shower though!)

As for a middle name, we have it narrowed down (right now) to two – one is a family name from my side, another is a family name from his side. My argument is that the baby will already have his last name, and that is his family name that he gets to pass down, and I should get more discretion over the middle name. And, ever since we decided to try having a child, I told him right from the start that if it was a boy I wanted this middle name. So it isn’t a big surprise to him.

I am trying not to share any of the names with friends and family because namely I don’t feel like it is their business, and second I don’t want them to influence our decision. Even if they didn’t outrightly state an opinion one way or another, we can all read facial expressions. And I find that most people don’t have a good poker face when it comes to these matters.

But, I really do want to talk about it with SOMEONE, and since this blog has been my outlet for my pregnancy loss issues that I keep (mostly) to myself “in real life”, I guess I can talk about other things that I keep to myself (in real life) on here too. And it’s really stressing me out – this baby is going to be the most important person in my life, actually he probably is already, (save for The Husband) and I feel like he should have a name and I should be able to call him something other than “Baby.”And I’m feeling anxious that we’ll be in the hospital with no name and I’ll be hormonal and indecisive. All that being said, here is our list of names, and I won’t designate which are from The Husband and which are from me, and I’ll put them alphabetical. For the few of you that may be reading this that I know “in real life”, please keep these on the down low!

  • Aidan
  • Benjamin
  • Connor
  • Elijah
  • Ethan
  • Evan
  • Jude
  • Liam
  • Thomas
  • Tyler

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”


*Strongly dislike since I don’t like the word hate!

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Three Four

We’re 34 weeks along now, and we’ve been keeping busy. Time feels like it’s moving very quickly – time seemed to move so slowly during the first trimester, when I was tired and nauseous, and the times that I feel good and am enjoying being pregnant seem to go by too quickly to enjoy.

And for the most part, I do enjoy being pregnant! I wasn’t sure if I’d be one of those women who is either loving pregnancy or hating it, and for the most part I do love it. I’ll never have this time back with my baby – for the most part I feel like he is safe with me, my constant companion with his kicks and pokes. This is our together experience and it feels unique and special. I don’t feel too tired yet, unless I have a bad night’s sleep, and I feel good going about my daily life. One thing I’m not pleased with myself about is that at around 30-31 weeks I stopped exercising – it just seemed like there was too much else to do, and sometimes walking made me uncomfortable and I had to pee a lot and it became a nuisance. So I stopped, and I feel bad about it, but I try to make myself feel better by saying at least I made it that far with physical activity. As of my 33 week appointment I’ve gained 30 lbs, so I seem to be on track for the “normal” 25-35 lb weight gain. I got my Tdap shot, and beginning next week I begin weekly appointments and non-stress tests. I’ve had some uncomfortable symptoms start up the past week or so – notably acid reflux at night, and my feet have all of a sudden started swelling – I had no swelling all summer, when it was hot and humid, and now that fall and the cooler weather has hit I thought I’d be okay. Well, the past few nights my feet have swelled and at first it was very jarring! I wake up in the morning and they are normal, and I try to drink lots of fluids during the day and I’ve been checking my blood pressure and it’s normal, but the foot swelling is here.

Next week I am starting a reduced work schedule of 4 days a week vs. 5 days a week – not much, but I think I will enjoy having that extra day to myself! I want to start getting our hospital bags together – at my last appointment I was asked if I had started that yet, and nope, I haven’t, so I am going to use the days off to work on that. These past two weeks have been a horror show at work – I supervise three people, so we are a team of four (including myself) and the past two weeks I’ve had one person out on medical leave and another out on bereavement leave, and my boss has been at a conference in California (I was supposed to go, but my doctor nixed that idea because I’m too far along for cross country air travel now.) So I’ve been working a lot of nights trying to keep up, and I will be glad for next week when my boss is back, and at least one of the ladies that has been out on leave is back. We’ve also discussed how we are going to divide up my work when I am out on leave, and I have to start training people on my accounts and tasks beginning next week. So things are getting real at work with preparing for leave and all that good stuff.


We’ve decided on a pediatrician – we had a prenatal consult with a local practice, with a doctor that came highly recommended. In fact, my friend S tried to get in with him but he was not accepting new patients when her son was born in February. Lucky for us he just recently started taking new patients again, and The Husband and I both really liked him right from the get go. The practice was nice and clean, we toured the offices and then sat down and “interviewed” him. We talked about breastfeeding, immunizations, circumcision, his philosophy in practicing medicine, the office policies and staff, etc. Everyone was so nice, the receptionists seemed very pleasant every time I talked to them – from booking the appointment to confirming and then meeting them in person. Everything seemed to jive with our wants, and the office is five miles from our house so it doesn’t get much more convenient than that. The Husband gave his stamp of approval right away, so that made me feel good and that’s one task of our list.

We’ve also had two classes at the hospital and had our maternity unit tour. We sampled the cuisine a the hospital cafe, their french fries were so.good. Like really good! The Husband was satisfied with the options and food so at least I know I won’t have to worry about him complaining about food while we are there. Next up is a breastfeeding class, and then we are done with the classes that we’ve registered for and I can check all that off my list too.

The baby’s room is progressing, even though we have a corner stacked with unopened boxes full of baby items we received at the shower. All the big stuff is together, and we have decor on the walls, and now it’s just down to more of the putting stuff together and getting rid of boxes phase.


Feeding, Reading and Gliding Corner


Baby’s closet is small!

As for non pregnancy/baby preparations, I had a fun night out with my family two weeks ago – all of the ladies on my father’s side, and including my mother, went to see Wicked in Providence. We had a nice Italian dinner on Federal Hill first then went to see the musical. It was a great musical and the food was delicious, and I’m glad I went even if I was battling a bit of a head cold.

Today we got a few of our maternity photos back – our full online gallery should be up soon, but she sent us a few “teasers”, if you will, this afternoon and I can’t wait to see the rest. We did them outdoors with our doggie girl, and I really love that it was fall and we got some great New England foliage and scenery – fall is my favorite season, even if the past two years it’s been marked by loss.

And some “bump shots” for those that like that sort of thing.











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Ready to exhale

I’ve been in a funk the past few days. It started Sunday night really, and has continued through this evening. I feel just really sort of down, like I want to cry, and just sort of SAD. In a way that I haven’t through (most) of this pregnancy. In fact, I had been feeling relatively “up” after the shower (and anxiety) had passed.

Now, I feel dreary and tired.

I am tired. It’s more than the drizzle outside. It’s more than the hormones.

I guess it started when one of my mother’s dogs had to be rushed to the vet over the weekend and had emergency surgery. Now he has a 50/50 chance of making it. He had an intestinal blockage, they did surgery. He’s home now, but isn’t eating and when he had bloodwork done yesterday his white blood count was up, which obviously is a sign of infection. It makes me sad to think of him not eating and losing weight and not being himself. He’s typically a pain in the butt and admittedly isn’t my favorite of her dogs, and he’s too rambunctious, but he does have his sweet moments and doesn’t deserve this. Seeing him listless, the complete opposite of himself, makes me want to cry.

Then today one of our good friends lost their dog to Lymphoma. He was a boxer, only a year or two older than my own Layla. Such a handsome boy, we would also call him Layla’s boyfriend. That made me want to cry.

Also, I’m back on the Facebook and I follow so many animal rescue groups and animal shelters. Seeing all those animals every day in my news feed, abandoned or sick or injured, makes me want to cry. I think I need to deactivate my Facebook again if only so I don’t have to see those poor animals. I don’t mind donating, in fact I donate often when I see a really terrible case and to shelters all over, but it’s very emotionally taxing to see it all the time and that it’s just going to keep coming.

Today we had another growth scan with MFM. Baby Boy was practice breathing, and is up to 4 lbs. 4 oz. He’s gone from the 60th percentile to the 63rd percentile, fluid levels good, and his heart rate was 159. I was concerned that it was a bit higher than usual (usually at our ultrasounds and OB visits it’s in the 149-151 range) but Dr. T said it’s perfectly normal to fluctuate, especially if we caught him at an active time. His head was crammed down in my pelvis, so we couldn’t get any good 4D or profile shots, but he stuck his tongue out at one point so I guess he has my attitude. Dr. T is recommending that we do weekly non-stress tests with my OB, starting around 34/35 weeks I believe. She said that typically if a patient has some underlying diagnosis, or if they had lost a pregnancy due to a placenta issue or the like, she would recommend it. Although we don’t fall into those categories, her thought is that I’ve never been this pregnant before and we’re getting to the home stretch, and she wants to make sure that everything is holding up and that there is not something we overlook. She compared it to taking out a small insurance policy and she is a conservative physician – she sees nothing wrong in any of our scans and everything continues to look good, BUT, I am a “special patient” and we STILL don’t have the genetic test results back from Children’s Hospital, so although there is nothing wrong that we know of or that is obvious on any scans, she wants to cross every t and dot every i. But she made sure to mention more than once that everything she sees looks fine, it’s just my terrible history.

See that?!? I am a special patient! Take note, world. But I mean, I get it. I am worried of the unknown too. I am worried that my placenta will just give out or something equally horrible that I haven’t dreamed up yet will happen. I worry about it every day.

And that’s when I started to cry. I want my baby here. It’s been almost three years since my first positive pregnancy test. This is my fourth pregnancy. All the visits and procedures and genetic tests and worries and ultrasounds – today marked my eighth ultrasound for this pregnancy. I am getting to the point where I feel exhausted and drained, emotionally/mentally at least. I am mentally tired. I have been through the losses and been fighting and pushing and now I am tired. I am not giving up by any means, or quitting, but I am ready for him to be here. I am ready to meet him and hold him – I know he still has some growing and developing to do, and he is not ready, but I am ready. I am ready to breathe out. Of course Dr. T and E understood and held my hand until it passed. Like they always do. I wonder when I’ll run out of tears.

The Husband was a little concerned as we discussed it on the drive home – “Just when we think everything is great they want to do more testing! We can’t relax!” I tried to explain that NSTs are not uncommon, and that everything looks fine and Dr. T is just trying to provide us more assurances/comfort than what the ultrasound can offer.

Now I have my regularly scheduled OB visit tomorrow, our hospital tour/preparing for childbirth class this weekend, our maternity photos next week, another OB visit in two weeks, a growth scan in four weeks, and by then I’ll be 35 weeks. I hope by then I’m feeling more upbeat! Although I guess we all deserve those days once in a while, those dreary days when we just want to curl up and lay in bed and shut out the world.

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30 Weeks and Baby Shower

Today we have officially hit the 30 week mark! I can’t believe it! I know I keep saying that, but as we keep climbing up in weeks it feels surreal.

Last Friday I had a visit with my OB which went well. I got my flu shot, and will get Tdap next visit. I didn’t want to be a pin cushion and since my next visit is in two weeks, still within the recommended timeframe, I decided to do them separately and start with the flu shot. My fundal measurement was 32 cm, which she said was a “little larger than expected” but she reviewed the last ultrasound report, and since he was measuring in the 60th percentile, she had no concerns. I’ve gained 25 lbs. total now, which she said was still within the 25 – 35lb range she would expect. All went well and my next visit is a growth scan with MFM in two weeks. I will start having 3 weeks/month now – 2 with my OB and 1 with MFM for a growth scan.

Our baby shower was this weekend as well! It felt like our wedding in that it was a BLUR. I was having a bit of anxiety right up until the time we walked in. But once we walked in, and I got over the “deer in headlights” feeling and had a moment to collect my thoughts, it was much better. I really loved everything! My mom and friends really did a great job and everything was just lovely. There were I think… 60 people there! My mother went overboard in her excitement with inviting a lot of people, including some of her own friends whom I had never met, and then we had some people show up that originally responded no so I heard about the scramble to get extra place settings at some of the tables. It was a bit overwhelming at first, I have to admit. But once I got acclimated I really didn’t feel the anxiety or sadness that I felt earlier in the week. I’m glad I got it out of me before the shower so I could enjoy the shower.

We had a buffet for breakfast with all of our favorites – french toast, scrambled eggs, home fries and bacon, along with a chicken alfredo and salad for those that wanted a lunch. there was also a mimosa bar, which I could not take part in but would have been right up my alley. So needless to say I was a bit rushed all morning – first with going to all the tables and saying hi to everyone, then we were first for the buffet so we could eat and then move to gift opening while others were still eating, then the gift opening. My friends M and L were helping by writing down the gifts and givers and then moving stuff out of the way. I had to tell them I needed a break to even go to the bathroom and get a cupcake. We had chocolate cake and red velvet cupcakes! My best friend M’s aunt is a baker and made them. SO DELICIOUS. There were also a few games – a bingo game for the gift opening, a “Guess the size of the bump” game, and a “Don’t say the word ‘baby'” game. The prizes were cute – blue OPI nail polishes and nail files in a mason jar. The favors were mason jars filled with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (my favorite candy) and Hershey Kisses (The Husband’s favorite candy) in blue wrapping.  I was not able to take any pictures for myself, because time just didn’t warrant it and I felt like I was being pulled in 50 directions all morning (but in a good way) but I’ve had some friends forward me some. All in all, I think my nerves got the best of me leading up to the party and in the end I had a great time and I was so happy to see our family and friends, everyone seemed so happy and excited, and to celebrate our baby. I feel like he (and we) deserve it. And I definitely have enough to do to keep me busy for the time being, what with organizing and washing and assembling all of this good stuff. I am overwhelmed by the love and generosity and it is definitely very humbling, especially after all we have been through.

It was a long road to get to that point and I remember back to this time last year, when I thought this would not happen for us and I was feeling so low, and now I feel glad that I had a morning where I could feel genuinely happy and excited. If you had told me this time last year that we would have had that celebration this weekend, a day shy of exactly one year after our third loss, I would not have believed it. And now I am sitting in our brand new glider in our baby boy’s room and typing this. Someone pinch me.


Game table


Diapers galore!


Completely overwhelmed by all these gifts!


Cake and cupcakes, with two small diaper cakes


Close up of the cake – little footballs and golf balls on them, since The Husband is an avid golfer


Table set with the favors, diaper cake centerpiece and little blue pens to write out the bingo squares


Bouquet centerpiece at another table


Baby shower aftermath


Aftermath Part 2



So cute! I love this rocking chair and teddy bear.


Our new glider and ottoman that The Husband assembled today! The quilt is a handmade gift from one of my aunts.

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All These Things I Carry Now, In This Bittersweet, In This Bittersweet Now

My baby shower is this weekend, and while I am mostly looking forward to it and excited, I have also been experiencing some mixed emotions as it draws closer to the date. It’s been an unlikely trigger and brought up some sadness that I thought I had mostly dealt with at the beginning of the pregnancy.

My mother has been very excited about everything, to say the least, and so the whole event has grown a little bit bigger than I had originally imagined. I have a large family to begin with, but she’s also invited some of her own friends (some of whom I’ve never met) and I feel like it’s a lot of pressure. Although this pregnancy has been completely different that my previous pregnancies and I am trying to have faith in my baby and my own body to bring him home safely, I still do experience bouts of anxiety and fear. I tried to avoid telling people for the longest time (even on this blog!) and now I am going to be front and center for a few hours this weekend and I’m having a little anxiety about that in itself. I’m not a person who necessarily enjoys being the center of attention to begin with – I think I do my best work under the radar if I do say so myself!

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to celebrate this (by all accounts) healthy baby and pregnancy, and I’m grateful to my mother and my friends/family who have helped her organize and plan the shower. I know how much thought and time they’ve put into making this a great day for me. And this baby deserves to be celebrated, he is my little miracle! But it is also bittersweet and has dredged up old feelings about my previous pregnancies. Those babies were never celebrated. Those babies never had a day when friends and family were excitedly anticipating their arrival. I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for me. And I’m trying to balance that with feeling happy and excited for this baby. Most of the time I have managed these different feelings well, but this week I feel like it’s been a fine line and I’ve fallen a little off balance. I tell myself that just because I am sad for my previous losses doesn’t mean I can’t be happy or excited for this baby and his impending arrival. He deserves to have people be excited for him. But I also don’t want to forget the three that came before him. During my first pregnancy my mother had gone so far as to book a date and venue for the shower, but then we lost that baby at 19 weeks and she had to cancel it. I’ve harbored that fear in the back of my mind that it would happen that way again – that she’d have to cancel it.

Anyway. I had my bi-weekly acupuncture appointment last night and that seemed to help me a bit. And I’ve kept myself busy with getting his room together (it’s painted, new lighting/ceiling fan installed, crib and dresser assembled, and a few decor items are on the wall now!) I’ve also been reading – I’m about 75% of the way through Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, and next up on my reading list is Touchpoints. My next OB appointment is Friday, and I’m getting an “Expectant Mother Manicure” Friday in preparation for the weekend. I decided to take a long weekend off work – Friday and Monday, as Monday is our eight year wedding anniversary. We don’t have any special plans, and I imagine we’ll have a lot of organizing to do, but it will be nice to have the day off and spend it together. And after our anniversaries of two years ago and last year, I’m sure I’ll appreciate having a quiet day to ourselves. So I don’t want it to seem as if I am wallowing, because I’m not. I am grateful and happy and excited and I’m sure that most people wouldn’t even know or be able to tell that I have other feelings about it all. I am happy to be one week closer to meeting this baby! I love when I feel him kicking and moving! It’s just a little bittersweet as well.


We are perfect angels!

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Our Souls Were Singing, Do You Remember, Never a Cloudy Day

Today I am 28 weeks pregnant! It really didn’t hit me until I was in the shower tonight, and I thought to myself – “Wow! I am in the THIRD TRIMESTER.” I almost cannot believe it. I look down at my belly, and feel the kicks, and I know it’s true. But mentally I can’t believe it sometimes. I almost feel like it must be some really vivid, lucid fantasy or dream and I am going to wake up soon.

We had a growth scan last week, and again everything is right on track. Baby Boy is measuring in the 60th percentile, which is exactly where he was four weeks ago too. Fluid levels good, heart rate good, he weighed approximately 2 lbs. 8 oz. and is “Completely average!” – another “No concerns!” from Dr. T. I brought up some of the fears and anxiety I’d been experiencing recently regarding placenta issues or cord issues and Dr. T was able to talk me down and explained some of the science and medicine behind how it works and the materials (for lack of a better word) that they are made of and also explained that, if there is a placenta issue they will catch it because I am going in monthly for the duration – and that if there was an issue right now, he wouldn’t be growing as well or consistently. She also mentioned a book she recommended I read, about infant/child growth and development after birth to turn some of the focus towards what happens after he’s born instead of dwelling in fears before he’s born so I’ve added it to my Amazon list and will be purchasing it with my next order.

I just feel so shocked every time I hear things like completely average, consistent, and no concerns when someone is talking about me and one of my babies. Shocked in a good way, and happy and excited, but shocked nonetheless.

Last weekend I also went on a “Girl’s Weekend” with my friend L. We visited Ogunquit, Maine – both of us have lived in New England our entire lives and neither of us has visited Maine. It was a quick two night getaway, with less action than our New Orleans trip last year (for obvious reasons), but a great time. We ate good food, went to the beach, read by the pool, and shopped. I really liked it and hope to visit again next summer. It seemed dog and kid friendly – lots of families, a cute trolley to ride around town in, and all “major” attractions within reasonable walking distance. The drive to get there was reasonable for us too – about 2 hours and 15 minutes. I think it was a great way to start bidding adieu to summer.

A lot of events are happening soon and September will be busy – my baby shower is this month, we are celebrating our eighth wedding anniversary this month, and one month from now we have our maternity photo session. I try not to get too excited and think too far ahead – one of the drawbacks of recurrent loss and feeling like at any time the rug can be pulled out from under you. I feel like this can be ripped away at any moment. But I am excited to celebrate with our family and friends, and see people I haven’t seen in a while. My mother had tried to keep all the details a secret, but today she caved and spilled some details and now I know when and where it is! I had it narrowed down to three dates, and my suspicions were correct, it was one of those dates. I’ve already purchased my dress for the shower, another PinkBlush Maternity purchase. Because I knew my shower was this month I went for a “Pregnancy Facial” on Saturday and it was wonderful. I think I might like facials more than I like massages. Football season is also back, and I can’t wait to see The Patriots and my favorite player Gronk back in action, although I am not as excited as most years because I am a bitter Patriots fan and I think it is very unfair and ridiculous and egregious that Brady is sitting out this month. #FreeBrady.

For all the good things coming up this month, it is also the month that I lost two of my babies – September 11th will be the second year “anniversary” of losing our second baby, and September 18th is the first year “anniversary” of losing our third baby. I am trying not to dwell on it too much, and to focus on the present and put more positive energy to the future, but it still stings a bit when I remember how low I was the past two years during this month. I still catch myself wondering what may have happened if either of those babies had been well and survived. I am trying not to let these thoughts detract from the good things happening this year, and I think about them every day regardless of the month, but it does make me a little sad.

We  did some work during this long holiday weekend in Baby Boy’s room, mostly today as it was a windy, rainy/cloudy day thanks to . I’ve been to Kohl’s and HomeGoods and Bed, Bath and Beyond. Not to mention countless hours looking for nursery decor, bedding, etc. online! I still haven’t found a mirror or hamper I like, and I am still waiting on my replacement nightstand (which annoys me every time I think about it) but I am happy with the way it is coming along. I just wish the nightstand was here so I could get the full effect. Our infant car seat is also here – my MIL and FIL bought it for us, and they dropped it off this weekend so she wouldn’t have to bring it to the shower. Things definitely feel like they are getting a little bit more real this week!


Nubble Lighthouse, Maine


My monster making herself comfortable with some of my HomeGoods purchases.

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All We Want Are the Facts, Ma’am

So as I go about researching and buying products for November the SIDS guidelines have pretty  much already been cemented in my head. Back is best. Flat, firm surface. Nothing in the crib/bassinet such as bumpers, blankets, stuffed animals. Don’t let baby overheat. Breastfeed as much and as long as you can. Sleep in the same room, not the same bed. Am I terrified about SIDS? Yes, of course! But first on my “terror list” is that my baby will die before he is even born, so I figure I have to get past the remaining 13.5 weeks of pregnancy and childbirth and actually give birth to a live child before I waste a lot of time worrying about this sort of thing.

A few days ago I received a text message from a well meaning friend with a link to the Snuza Hero Baby Movement Monitor suggesting I register for that. I mentioned that based on what I’ve read they weren’t considered “medical devices” that actually prevent SIDS, and that it’s not a replacement for following all of the AAP Guidelines – which, two of them are: “Do not use home cardiorespiratory monitors to help reduce the risk of SIDS” and “Do not use products that claim to reduce the risk of SIDS.”

Then came the inevitable anecdote, “Well, my friend’s cousin’s sister in law’s baby got whooping cough somehow, had a seizure and stopped breathing and nobody would haven’t known if the device hadn’t beeped”

There are several of these options out there – the Owlet, Snuza, Angelcare, Mimo – and really, if I wanted to buy the Snuza it’s only $100 and that’s not a lot of money in the grand scheme of how much I’m spending on cribs and mattresses and strollers and car seats, and I don’t want to be a”bad mom” if I don’t buy this thing and then something happens. I could definitely afford one, it’s not about the money. But then you read how they are not regulated by the FDA and there are no scientific studies backing up any claims that they actually detect or prevent SIDS. All you have are people’s stories. Yeah, it might buy some peace of mind. But I can imagine that some people would get lax with it – “Oh, I have the monitor, so I don’t need to be as careful about other things because the monitor will just alert me.”

Would it hurt anything to have one of these? I’m guessing it probably wouldn’t, at least not for me because I know that even if I had one I would still be vigilant about everything else and wouldn’t use it as a baby sitter. It might “hurt” if it’s always giving false alarms and I’m worried constantly because of it. But I am definitely one of those people who likes the PROOF. Show me the research, the science. Prove it to me. Do I think it’s necessary? No, not in the sense that some things are absolute necessities – for instance, you can’t leave the hospital without a car seat. You can leave the hospital without one of these monitors. I guess I’m just put off that already I feel like not having  one of these would make me a “bad mom” or someone who doesn’t care as much as another person.

Articles I’ve read:



Don’t Count on Smart Baby Monitors To Prevent SIDS




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Ramblin’ Man

  • Two weeks ago I had my first growth scan at 23 weeks. My MFM specialist wants to see me monthly for growth scans throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. After the scan she said she had “No concerns!”. Baby Boy was measuring in the 60th percentile and weighed approx. 1 1/2 lbs. Next scan is in two weeks.
  • Yesterday I had my monthly visit with my OB. I did the one hour glucose test and had bloodwork done. I PASSED the glucose test, but my bloodwork came back “slightly anemic.” So I have to start a low dose iron supplement which I’ll take once a day. The nurse said that the numbers were not too concerning, just “slightly below the threshold” which she said is common at this point in pregnancy. I would much rather take an extra vitamin each day vs. having gestational diabetes or having to do that three hour test. No other concerns after my visit – heartbeat was strong and steady around 140, I’ve gained 19 lbs total at this point, which I’m just over 25 weeks (!!! – it’s still a shock to step on the scale and see that number go up and up), and we discussed the Tdap vaccine which I’ll get at my visit next month. The Husband already got his Tdap booster earlier his month at his annual physical.
  • Baby Boy is still nameless. We have a few names we like, and there is a middle name that I particularly want to use (it’s a family name), but no decisions have been made. This is one of the questions I get asked most frequently. We’ve already decided that, when we do decide, we aren’t telling anyone anyway and they can just find out when he’s born.
  • The nursery is painted, the window treatments are done and drapes are hung, the carpet is stretched, and the crib and dresser are here! The dresser is put together but the crib is still in the box. The nightstand also came in, BUT it was scratched and warped so I had to call and complain about that – luckily I was given zero hassle and a replacement order is already in the works, and prepaid Fedex label was sent to me so I can return the damaged/defective product (I really don’t think it was shipping damage – I think it’s a manufacturer issue.) AND I got my original shipping refunded. I was very upset when I saw it, but a nightstand is not a necessity in the grand scheme so I can wait a few extra weeks to have the room put together.
  • After much deliberation my MIL has decided she will be at my shower and they will be leaving on their trip after the shower. I won’t even get into this any further.
  • Not only do I love the robe I bought from Pink Blush, but The Husband does too! He gave me a random compliment on it the other night. I also went to a LuLaRoe pop up last weekend with my friend E, and got a pair of leggings. I was a little dubious while I was there, but man are they comfortable. I’m wearing them right now.

25 weeks down

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24 Weeks and Crankypants

Today I am 24 weeks pregnant, and I’ve been cranky alllll day. The Husband and I got in a spat last night, mainly because I was not impressed with the speed at which he’s painting the nursery. I would help him, but he doesn’t want me to paint because of the smell. His father left on a business trip today, so he is doing extra work this week (they work together for a family business), which he thought meant he could slack off on the nursery… Which I was not happy with because the crib is here (this is the set we ordered), the dresser will be here soon, and I have a carpet guy coming over later this week to stretch the carpet (there are some ripples in it.) Obviously all the furniture that is in there now has to be out for the carpet guy to do his thing, so there isn’t much time to waste! He didn’t like the reminder!

So I woke up today and I was still in a bad mood. People at work annoyed me. My mom annoyed me (sometimes she just cannot keep anything to herself and tells people things that I’m not sure how they even come up in normal conversation, and then wonders why I don’t want to tell her everything.) I really just want to lay in bed and be left alone, so I’m alternating between watching The Olympics and playing on the computer while curled up in my Snoogle.

My last post was anxiety ridden, and this one is now me being a complaining crankypants. But it is not all bad. We’ve actually been doing quite a bit and made a lot of good progress in our preparations (getting the room ready, painting, signing up for birth/breastfeeding/infant basics classes at our hospital.) But today I am just not feeling it. To help make myself feel better I ordered some maternity pajamas and robe from Pink Blush (here and here), and a nursing nightgown off Amazon (here.) When in doubt, get out the credit card for some online shopping, right? Ha! I also booked our maternity photo session for October. I wasn’t sure if I should do maternity photos, and at times in the past the thought of doing them made me cringe. But, I don’t know if I will be at this point again. It’s been over three years since we first started trying to have a baby, and after three failed pregnancies I don’t know if I will have it in me to try again and live through the fears and anxieties of the first trimester and anatomy scan. It feels like the second trimester is going by so quickly (probably because I am not feeling sick/exhausted and spending all my spare time laying on the couch like I did the first 12 weeks), and I do want to remember this. I am taking bump photos each week, but those only include me! So we are doing a photo shoot and our little Layla will be included! The photographer said she is very comfortable working with dogs too and has done several shoots with dogs (I was able to see some of the photos in her portfolio.) So that made me happy. She won’t be in all the photos, but I do want to get a few with her.

Speaking of, here is her beautiful self while we were on vacation two weeks ago. Looking perturbed as we both attempted to stretch out on the couch of our room – she thinks the couch is just for her comfort and not anyone else’s! Not sure what we would do if we could not find pet friendly accommodations for our travels!


“Mommy, get off my couch and give me some space!”

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The Fear is Real

I’ve been having a bit more anxiety than usual the past week or so. The trigger – it started after I read something on social media – a friend of a friend’s 3 month old daughter passed away in her sleep ten days ago. The parent’s friends started a GoFundMe page to help with funeral expenses, etc., and any extra would go to the SIDS Institute.

I’ve never met this couple before, and they have two older children as well that I have never met. I can imagine how pained and devastated they are. And I’m sure that, as horrifying as I think it is, whatever they are experiencing is worse and my heart broke a little when I saw their daughter’s picture on the GoFundMe page. Why?? There is no answer that will ever suffice. When I saw those posts my mind got immediately swept up in the vicious anxiety web and I was off and running on Google and blogs and getting myself into a panic. It is hard to break out of that feeling that, once you have been “the one” who experiences tragedy (three times no less), you will always be “the one.” I know that I will not always be “the one” and that I am not going to carry all of life’s burdens and tragedies. But I have moments where I feel like I will be and that it is just going to be my lot in life. Even when things are going well with my current pregnancy, I still don’t entirely trust that my good luck will continue…. because it does feel like good luck. Like somehow, during this one pregnancy, I got lucky. I hope that it continues and  I hope that I get many, many healthy and happy years with my son, but there are no guarantees for any of us.

And then I decide I just have to try to be present, in this moment right now, and be thankful that I have made it this far. Right now everything is okay. Perhaps it won’t be tomorrow, but there’s no use worrying about it now and wasting this moment. And I don’t want my baby to feel my anxiety.

I wonder what it feels like to be one of those pregnant women with no fears or doubts. The ones that think after 12 weeks, everything is just golden and there is nothing to fear. They are right, the majority of the time at least.

I don’t mean to give the impression that I am just worrying 24/7. We’ve been on vacation and to a comedy show and to Babies R Us and things are moving right along. We’ve even picked out nursery furniture!  I’m getting in light exercise and reading and following the dramedy that is our 2016 election (#NeverTrump.) We go out to dinner and have been to cookouts and are going about life. But yes, I do have those moments of agonizing fear – I’ve been through so much to get to this point and I’m so afraid of losing it.


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