RBG’s Birth Story

RBG is almost two weeks old and it’s been a whirlwind adjusting to being a family of four. Two weeks ago at this moment she was less than a day old, and it’s already starting to feel like so long ago and I wanted to try and document her birth story before I forgot too many of the details.

Her birth went much quicker than McLovin’s, and without an induction (his birth story is shared here.)

That Thursday I worked from home, as I had been the past two weeks. Our cleaning ladies came by in the morning and we talked about when the baby would come – they thought for sure on the 30th. My mother stopped by and brought me lunch from my favorite Italian restaurant – chicken, broccoli and ziti. It was all quite normal. I was a bit tired, and laid down in bed for a little while in the afternoon. Other than that the day passed uneventfully.

The Husband returned with McLovin around 5 or so. They played outside and I prepared dinner, added some things to my hospital bag, very mundane. The three of us had dinner together, then McLovin and I watched a segment of Paw Patrol while The Husband mowed the lawn. That’s when I started to notice I felt off, with some awkward back pain and cramps. Eventually the two of us went upstairs, brushed his teeth, washed his face, and got ready for bed. We went through our whole bed time routine, and I rocked him and sang songs to him and put him to bed. In hindsight I’m so glad I was the one to put him to bed that night, that we had that last bedtime together with him as an “only child.”

As I was putting him to bed the “cramps” became more noticeable. Once I left his room I started timing them and paying closer attention, realizing they were in fact contractions and not the Braxton Hocks variety – they were lower, more “painful” (at times I’d have to stop what I was doing to breathe through it.) I told The Husband what was going on, and based on my timing they were between 5-7 min apart. I also felt at one point a “leak” – not a gush but leaking. Now with McLovin I was induced and labor did not start naturally so I had no previous experience with this so I called my OB. They said as this had been happening over an hour, and because my water may have broken, to go to the hospital to have an NST and they could determine if my water broke.

I was upstairs in our room and The Husband was not in the house, and I couldn’t see him in the yard so I called his cell phone letting him know we had to start moving. He called my mother to come over because she was going to watch McLovin for us and then he came in the house to shower. After his shower he gathered his bag, added some stuff in it  and then we headed out. By the time we left it was around quarter past eight. As we drove up the highway I continued timing contractions, which were down to about 4-5 min apart, and focused on breathing. It was a quit ride, no traffic, a nice night and I was watching the planes circle and fly in to Logan as The Husband drove and we must have been driving under the flight path that night.

We arrived at around 9pm and got GREAT parking and went in to the hospital. We checked in to the Labor + Delivery unit, and they were expecting us since my OB’s office called them and told them we were coming and sent our information over. The nurse we met with was super sweet and took us to the procedure room for the NST. I got hooked up for the NST. The nurse took a sample from “down there” to test for amniotic fluid to determine if my water had broken, and the OB who was working that night came in to talk to me. We went over everything again, then they left and The Husband and I were alone for a bit while they completed the NST and waited for the other sample results. Turns out my water had not broken, but the NST showed my contractions were consistent and four minutes apart and “rather strong” according to the reading. The OB checked my cervix and I was 5 cm dilated, so they admitted me. That was around 9:30pm.

I was wheeled in to room 5, which was much smaller than the room I had with McLovin. I was told they usually hold the larger L+D rooms for inductions, as those tend to last longer. In any event, The Husband went downstairs to get our bags out of the car (BTW I love my new Vineyard Vines weekender that I used as  my hospital bag), and I got settled in the room. When he came back with our bags he also had bought some Frito’s, and I remember being so.annoyed. at the smell of them. I set up a diffuser and made my “Labor Blend” and took out my oil roller to use (which I only used twice because it went so quickly.) The nurse we initially met with was leaving at 11pm, and our new nurse was actually in early so I had both of them covering me for some time – setting up the IV, going through questions (why does it seem like you have to answer the same questions ten times?!?!). I changed into one of the more comfortable options I’d packed and they brought me a peanut ball to bounce/rock on. We went over my wishes for L+D (no pain meds/epidural, skin to skin, delayed clamping, etc.) and then they left us to try and relax. The contractions were consistent and strong but I was able to breathe and bounce on the ball through them. The Husband rolled some tennis balls on my back at one point as well. At around 10:45pm I decided to lay down and try to rest/relax for what I assumed would be a long night. The TV was on and we were watching The Sandlot (much better than the Duck Dynasty from last time.) I was mostly focused on breathing  through the contractions, and then at 11:55pm my water broke. I felt a pop inside, then a gush, then just as with McLovin immense pressure. I buzzed the nurse to come in and told her, and she was smiling and excited and I remember thinking, you seem awfully happy and my pain has increased significantly right now. Then some more nurses came in, that I hadn’t met yet, and I don’t remember what they were doing but they were doing something. And it seemed like they all complimented me on the diffuser blend and how nice it smelled in our room. I remember thinking, geez I just want to push now and I feel like I should push. But I didn’t. The OB came in and I was 10 cm dilated, and then it was sort of a blur and she was sitting with me and basically said, whenever you’re ready! And so I pushed for 16 minutes, and after a lot of swearing and f-bombs she was born at 12:31am.  Again, that relief when her head delivered and then the shoulder and it felt like the rest “slipped” out, all the pain just stopped. All told I was in labor for about 6 hours from the first time I felt contractions, and she was born 3 hours after I was admitted. About half the total labor time with McLovin. I was surprised at how quickly it went, but thankful all the same. We had our skin to skin time – unlike McLovin she was rooting and tried to nurse right then, right away – her agpar scores were 9, and again my post-delivery meal of choice (I was starving!) was a turkey sandwich with chips and ginger ale. The nurse helped me to the bathroom to help me clean up and see if I could go and such, and then eventually they wheeled us over to the maternity ward. I don’t remember the time.

In my mind the contractions from the induction were stronger and more painful than from the spontaneous labor; it was easier to relax between contractions and breathe through them the second time. Maybe I was more prepared, maybe my body remembered, maybe it was both. However, I did have a bit more tearing with RBG and that whole “ring of fire” situation seemed more painful with her. But overall I am happy that I managed both deliveries without an epidural, I was mentally present for both. I waited for so long thinking this would never happen for me that I wanted to feel it all, the pain and the sweet relief when they delivered. People would tell me, even one of the MFM doctors I saw in Dr. T’s absence one visit “If you can handle an induction birth without pain meds then I’m certain you can handle a spontaneous birth without pain meds”, and it was true.

So that is her birth story, what I recall of it now two weeks out. Maybe I’ll update this post if a new memory pops up some time – more so for myself so I have a clear complete story. Again it was an amazing experience, and although it was intense at the time the pain feels so far away now. A distant memory in the back of my mind.

 

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Hello, World

RBG arrived safe and healthy on Friday morning at approximately 1 am. We were admitted to the hospital Thursday night, and she arrived three hours later. More about her birth story and McLovin meeting his little sister to come!

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Almost 38

“One day at a time.”

That’s what I’ve been telling people when they ask how I’m doing as we hit these warmer weeks. Although, yesterday was raining and cold so it seems as though southern New England has not fully committed to summer weather yet.

I’ll be 38 weeks along on Sunday. McLovin was born at 38 weeks 2 days, as I was induced that morning due to low fluid and he was born 11 hours later. I’ve been having a weekly biophysical profile with MFM and a weekly NST with my OB, and before each appointment I mentally brace myself in case I need to be sent right to L+D again. All of the appointments have been going well though, no concerns, and that’s what’s important. RBG is growing on track and at last check was in the 52nd percentile. I’ve surpassed my heaviest weight with McLovin and am trying to just embrace it and not worry too much.

Two appointments a week can be overwhelming, especially since I’m still working full time. And my job and work environment/culture has not gotten any less stressful or anxiety reducing since I last wrote about it. So my OB wrote me a note this past Thursday recommending I work from home for the remainder of my pregnancy. I’m relieved. My team won’t be, but we have a temp who started last week to help since my best employee gave her notice and left as of two weeks ago. It sucks that I haven’t had a lot of time with him myself in person to train him, since he’ll be covering some of my responsibilities until I’m back, but such is life.

As for preparations/progress: the infant car seat is cleaned and installed, the newborn clothes are washed and organized, and my hospital bag is about halfway packed. McLovin has enjoyed seeing the infant seat in the car with him and is excited that “Sister is going to sit with me!” Still need to get the bassinet cleaned and put together in our bedroom and the pack ‘n play cleaned and put together for the living room. I am hoping we get that done this weekend, but it’s Father’s Day so The Husband has golf plans on Saturday and is insisting on hosting a Father’s Day breakfast here for his family (parents, one set of grandparents, aunt, cousin and his wife), a breakfast of which I want NO PART. I’m 38 weeks pregnant and I’m not cooking, or cleaning, or otherwise doing any preparations for this and I honestly wish it weren’t happening. I don’t want to entertain them or deal with it. I want to keep moving on getting things ready and check items off our to do list. And which I’ve well documented on this here blog of mine – My MIL and FIL annoy me – I don’t mind the grandparents aunt or cousin, but they really just get on my nerves and the less I see them the better. Okay, rant over.

I’ve started my Maternity Leave TV Watchlist, for those late nights and middle of the night wake ups and all the lack of sleep time that a newborn brings. So far: The Handmaid’s Tale season 3, Big Little Lies season 2 (I haven’t started either yet even though the new seasons have started), the new Veronica Mars season on Hulu in July. Please leave me any other suggestions, I have Netflix and Hulu and Prime (too much really, I should get rid of one.) I only signed up for Hulu because I wanted to rewatch 90210 after Luke Perry does, but then I started watching The Handmaid’s Tale ans need to keep it to watch the next season since I’m into it now. I also just watched Barry on HBO, but there’s no new season coming up soon. Maybe this is why I haven’t made progrès around the house, I’m clearly watching too much TV.

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Almost 33

As I get further along in this pregnancy I find myself getting a tad more emotional about my relationship with McLovin and the changes our family is about to experience.

The early part of my pregnancy was dominated by sickness (morning sickness, Hand Foot & Mouth and general fatigue) and the loss of Layla. Part of me feels like I never fully went through the grief of losing her, as if somehow being pregnant muted it and I wasn’t able to fully process it. And I’ve been very moody throughout the duration. I can’t say I’ve ever felt 100% joyful. I’ve felt happiness and relief that this baby is healthy and our pregnancy has been progressing “normally” but not “carefree happiness” or “complete joy” or “glowing.” It’s been much different this time around and I wish it wasn’t. I wish I felt glowing. I wish I wanted to take maternity photos and document this. But instead I just… don’t. And I worry I will regret it. That I didn’t make enjoy it as fully as I “should.” The closest I think I’ve been to really being happy and enjoying it was when my two best friends hosted a “sprinkle” for me last weekend. It was small, much smaller than my shower, at the home of my best friend L and we had Italian food and red velvet cupcakes. And I felt happy, and I felt mostly relaxed and able to enjoy it. Not moody or angry.

 

I also feel so worried and protective over McLovin. I know when RBG comes it won’t be just the two of us, I won’t be able to drop everything for him, I won’t be able to focus 100% on him. And I love our relationship. I adore him. And I hope he does okay. I hope he doesn’t resent me. I am trying to spend as much time together as we can doing fun things like going to the park and to the zoo because I think I feel guilty about how his life is going to change and he doesn’t even realize it fully. He knows he has “sister” in mommy’s belly and her bedroom is going to be next to his, and he goes in her room and says “I’m in sister’s room”, but he’s only 2 1/2 so…  and I think about, what if something happens to me? Every day on social media there’s something new about maternal mortality rates and how the US has less than the best maternal care, and I think to myself “What if McLovin doesn’t have a mother?” and it brings tears to my eyes. Or I think of those parents recently, the ones who sent their kids to school and their kids did not come home because they tried to save themselves and their peers from mad gunmen. And it brings tears to my eyes too.

I guess being hormonal and emotional is part of the whole pregnancy thing.

In other news we’ve made progress in RBG’s room.  The painting is done! The crib is here! I’ve ordered the dresser! And some wall art from Etsy! The color scheme is light gray, blush pink and aqua (maybe more of a seafoam.) il_340x270.982737610_7cm4And this weekend is Mother’s Day. Sunday morning we are going to brunch with my mother, my grandmother is not joining us this year because she’s visiting our family down south. Then we are SUPPOSED to go to my husband’s aunts house to have dinner with his mother and her side of the family, but honestly I’m just annoyed that it’s going to be a big dinner with that entire side of the family as if it is a major holiday or something. I just want to spend time with my son and not have my mother in law hovering over him, or my father in law distracting him and being loud and annoying, or having to be “on” for them all and socializing. I may just stay with McLovin and do something just the two of us and let The Husband go visit them without me. That’s part of this whole moodiness thing, I can’t even be bothered to socialize with people sometimes. It’s just a Hallmark holiday anyway. Hmph.

Perhaps I should just be a hermit!

 

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Thirty 2.0

Hello from thirty weeks along. RBG’s due date is just about two months away.

I am so. far. behind. compared to where I was with preparations during McLovin’s pregnancy. There nursery is not painted – I haven’t picked a color. I’ve picked a general color scheme (gray, blush pink and teal) – but the walls are still full of squares of different colors as I try and decide between the samples. Maybe because the room is a mess and full of boxes and I don’t even want to be in there right now. This has been a problem for me – no motivation to get these things done. I had some time off earlier this week I decided to clean out my OWN closet and post items on PoshMark rather than do the important things, like start cleaning the swing and bouncer and pack n’ play in anticipation of RBG’s arrival. I seem to have some sort of mental block about making nursery decisions, yet I feel immense pressure to get it done and am starting to get anxious it won’t get done before she’s here. And The Husband is anxious for me to make decisions so he can get the painting done. The more he asks me about it the more annoyed with myself I get and want to just avoid the conversation. It’s a weird cycle.

RBG is doing well. At our last growth scan everything looked great, and our next scan is next week. We start biophysical profiles with MFM every other week from 30-36 weeks, then weekly from 36 on. Also weekly non stress tests at that point but with my OB. So lots of appointments coming up and through the duration. It sounds daunting and like a LOT, but after our three losses I’d rather have those touchpoint with our care team and have the monitoring. I failed my one hour glucose test but passed the three hour test, so that was excellent news. Talk about a long freaking morning though. By the time I got out I booked it to Burger King because it’s right near my doctor’s office and I was STARVING after fasting. I was able to bring my laptop and work though since the office has free wifi. So I wasn’t bored, but I was HANGRY. In general I feel less tired since starting the iron supplement, but I still do enjoy my sleep.

So things are cruising along. McLovin is keeping me busy and that might be part of why I can’t focus to get anything done in the nursery. He is also starting to come around in that when we talk about a “baby sister” he at least doesn’t shout “NO!” and now he will point at my belly and say “Hi sister.”  We have not decided on a name yet – McLovin didn’t have his name until two days after he was born, because I was also indecisive then too, and I feel as though we are headed in that direction again. I have a list I’m keeping and I know my top three but The Husband and I aren’t necessarily eye to eye on the top three yet.

Thank you to everyone who left a comment on my last post related to my work situation and issues. For the time being I’ve decided to stick it out and see what happens for now, and if by the time I go out on leave I feel as though I need a change then I will start looking, but am going to stay with an open mind for now and see where the chips fall. I still don’t have a permanent boss, and I do worry that one will be hired while I am out on leave and I won’t be there to advocate for myself or my team when she/he starts. And then I get carried away thinking they will want to make sweeping changes that will impact my team and our work and I won’t be there, and everyone else will get to build a good relationship with this person from the get go and I won’t because I’ll be on leave, etc. etc. I am probably overthinking, but I have change fatigue after everything that’s gone on there the past year. I wouldn’t put anything past the place right now, from outsourcing parts of finance to more layoffs to restructuring responsibilities and changing job functions etc. etc. But I can’t control any of that, and I do need a job and benefits right now and technically I’m the “breadwinner” so to speak, so I’m putting my best foot forward and rolling with it and not making any big decisions right now.

I guess that’s the update from here. RBG is good, I am good, McLovin is good, The Husband is anxious to finish things up, status quo at work, and the weather broke so we are enjoying much more fun outdoor time. I hope all my blog friends are well and enjoying early spring and all it has to offer.

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Life Update

I’ve found myself in a position recently where I am starting to not enjoy my job, or not necessarily my job but the company for which I work, less and less. I wrote last year about the layoffs we had in May, and my former boss/predecessor (as I was promoted after her departure) and mentor was laid off. Since then I’ve had three different bosses, the most recent/current being a consultant and “interim” until they find a permanent hire. Naturally this leads to very little development or training for me, because I’ve been bounced around and even though I felt like I could learn a lot from three of the four, (the exception being the consultant and my current “boss”, not what I’d call a leader or someone I feel I could learn a lot from), I never got the chance before another reorganization changed the department structure. My company also, in the last two months, announced they are outsourcing half of our IT to a company in India and, by the way, that company is now evaluating the entire Finance division and all managers have to spend a week with them going over all current processes and functions to see what can be “streamlined”, which we all take to mean be outsourced along with IT. So it has not been fun times recently and I have serious doubts about any form of job stability/security with my current employer. I’m not averse to change, but I am averse to the constant negativity and worry and gossip that has taken over many of my colleagues and consumes an inordinate part of the work day. Naturally, with a 2 year old at home and being a little over 6 months pregnant right now, job stability is sort of important for me seeing as I need to help provide for these little people.

So I’ve been casually looking for a new job. I haven’t applied anywhere, but I’m keeping my eyes open to see what the job market is like. Being pregnant complicates the equation I think. Is it better to wait it out, go on maternity leave (if I’m not laid off first) and find a job while on leave? Is it better to wait it out, be told at some point before my leave that I’m being laid off and offered a package, and accept that package and start looking for a new job while on leave? Or maybe I wait it out and don’t get laid off, but I’m sure other changes would be coming that I’d have to deal with and might not like or appreciate. I guess my fear is I would miss a great opportunity out there right now if I’m not looking. But I just don’t know if a six months pregnant woman who is going on leave is an “attractive” hire. I know employers can’t discriminate against pregnant woman, but I wouldn’t even be covered under FMLA if I started a new job soon because I wouldn’t be employed at any new company long enough.

Sigh.

Thankfully the pregnancy is going well, save for the fact I’m anemic and had to start an iron supplement and failed the one hour glucose test. My three hour test is this coming Wednesday, wish me luck please because I do not want to give up kynReese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I am 26 weeks today. RBG is growing on track, and right now I am having monthly visits with my OB and monthly growth scans, as we’re following the same plan as we did with McLovin. Eventually it will be OB visits every 2 weeks and then non-stress tests every two weeks and then weekly biophysical profiles. It sounds daunting but it worked with McLovin and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. We haven’t even narrowed down a list of names or started painting her room but my Pinterest board is full of ideas. It is just much harder for me to get motivated with so many other things on my mind and chasing around my very active toddler McLovin.

McLovin is fabulous and loves Baby Shark and Paw Patrol, specifically Chase, Marshall and Rubble. He loves being outdoors, even in the snow, and tried to help The Husband shovel our walkways this year with his own little shovel which he was just obsessed with. He loves buggy rides, chasing leaves, and just “racing” us back and forth in the backyard.

So that is the update from our part of the world. Stress at work, RBG is fine but I have some smallish matters pending. Hopefully the iron supplement is doing its thing, I already feel less tired and more energetic than before so I think it is helping. I am not sure if the work situation will improve or resolve itself anytime soon so now I am just trying to start doing what I need to do and not anymore. What’s going to happen will happen no matter if I put in extra time or answer emails at night or go above and beyond, and with so many other priorities in my life it’s time to put work in its rightful place because if they want to lay me off they will, regardless.

Happy spring!

j

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Life Now

The past few months have been trying and happy and sad and exhausting and hopeful and worrisome and busy and everything. I feel like I’ve run the gamut of emotions since the beginning of November, when (trigger warning/spoiler alert) I found out I was pregnant. My hopeful excitement was short lived because later that same week is when our dog fell ill. A week later McLovin caught Hand, Foot and Mouth. The week after his symptoms appeared I was also diagnosed with HFM. Being 7 weeks pregnant with HFM, in the throes of fatigue and nausea, is not something I recommend. I was exhausted, sick, overwhelmed, worried about our dog, worried about the pregnancy, worried about McLovin. By the time I was 10 weeks along I had lost 4 lbs. and spent a week out of work. McLovin and I were well again for his second birthday party, but by that time Layla was not improving and I knew deep down we would be saying goodbye sooner rather than later. November culminated with that awful night we put her down, the lowest of my recent lows. I still look at her urn every night, sitting on my nightstand, and wish I could pet her. Wish I could smell her doggy scent, hear her nails clicking on the hard work, hear her grunt when I bothered her with hugs while she was laying with The Husband (she didn’t like being bothered when her favorite was by her side.) I miss her terribly.

December was better, and culminated with finding out this baby is a girl on Christmas Eve. Our recent high. And thus far at 15 weeks, with several ultrasounds and blood tests under our belt, we are on track and our MFM specialist is “thrilled.” If she is thrilled, we are thrilled. We are referring to this baby as RBG (Ruth Bader Ginsburg) because is there any other better badass woman I could use as a nickname? Right now I think not.

McLovin is two and he’s amazing. He loves sticks and tractors and being outside. He’s putting two and three words together now, and “Boob”, “Poop” and “Fart” are among his favorite, or rather most frequent, words. He’s also (unfortunately) picked up on “Oh, shit” and that will come out occasionally (and he uses it correctly too!). So I guess I have to be better about policing my own language and cleaning up my act while trying not to smirk, laugh or otherwise encourage him. Sigh.

That’s been our life over the past few months, in a nutshell. Shocked beyond belief that somehow, some way, after three awful losses we have been gifted two (seemingly) healthy pregnancies in a row. I still don’t know why we lost. What caused it. What changed now? Nothing that I know of. It’s hard to make sense of it, even for me and I wished for it and wanted it and am living it.

If all goes well we will be welcoming a little girl in June. It seems surreal but it’s true. We want to adopt another puppy in the spring as well. We both miss that companionship, that love that a dog brings to life. No new puppy will replace Layla but I like to think she would approve of us loving and caring for another dog that she can watch over for us.

Sending lots of light, peace and strength to those who need it or are having a tough time right now.

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“Just This Side of Heaven Is A Place Called Rainbow Bridge…”

On the morning on Sunday, November 25th we lost our beloved best friend. Our Layla passed away at nine years old.

I don’t think I have the words now to do her justice. I know I’ve written about her many times. About how much she means to us. How she helped us through the hard times, just by listening and letting me cry. I’d wrap my arms around her and bury my head in to her and the tears would come. She didn’t care. She sat there, strong, taking it all in. We’d go for walks. I can’t remember the last walk we took now, but she loved going for walks. She’d go to work with The Husband every day, except those days when I was home and insisted she stay home with me. She went on vacations with us, from the Vineyard to Virginia. She went to family parties, cookouts, holidays. I would tell her “Mommy thinks you’re an angel sent from Heaven.” Someone knew exactly what we needed when they sent us her way.

She had been experiencing a slow decline, since August or so but it really seemed to get worse at the end of October. It began with vomiting, then lack of appetite. We took her to her vet, then an emergency vet, then to a third, then a GI specialist. Throughout the ordeal all of her lab work, ultrasounds, X-rays etc. came back “Normal.” Not once could they find anything wrong with her, anything that raised a red flag. We tried different medications and she was stable. She was stable, pain free, and happy to be with us.

Until late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. Saturday night she was sitting by the dinner table with  me, eating small pieces of chicken and treats. We laid on the couch together and eventually I went to bed, telling her “Mommy is going to bed now. I’ll give you more love tomorrow.” The Husband went to bed a few hours after. He woke up around 2AM to find her in a bad state. He woke me up and I went downstairs where she was hiding in a corner, and I knew by looking at her. That this was the end of her time with us. I hugged her, cried, told her I loved her. Told her I was sorry we couldn’t fix her. That if love was enough she’d be the healthiest dog in the world and she’d live to be 100. I gave her kisses. And then I wrapped her blanket around her and The Husband carried her to the car to take her to the emergency vet.

I am sorry I couldn’t be with her. If not for McLovin fast asleep in his room I would have been there. People tell you after that you could have called them and they would have came over, even at that hour, to sleep on the couch and watch out for McLovin. The Husband was with her and held her head, and talked to her and said it was very peaceful. She still had her blanket. I’ve been there with one of my family dogs from when I was a child/teenager and with our cat about five or six years ago, so I can picture it in my mind.

A few years ago, back in 2014 I visited a psychic medium. I mentioned it here. My grandfather came through, and the medium said he was with a black dog. I assume it was his beloved dog Bear. And she told me, very specifically, that he wants me to know he watches over the animals for us. I hope they have found each other on the other side and he is taking care of her. I know he would.

We are having her cremated and I just want her back here with us. Back with her family.

Rest in peace my sweet Layla. I will love you forever. Thank you for being our best friend, for loving us, for taking care of us, for bringing us such happiness and laughter. Thank you for being patient with your brother. You made the tough times bearable. You made the good times better. I’ll see you when I get there.

 

 

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And The Beat Goes On

So, do y’all remember this post from over a year ago? About the “potential candidate”? They wanted McLovin’s sample to see if he carried the mutation they found. Which we willingly sent in the name of science and finding answers.

As recently as August there was NO UPDATE. Because yes, even though McLovin was born safe and sound and healthy I still want an answer. I went through Hell and I feel like I owe it to myself, and The Husband, and the babies we lost and McLovin to try and find out what happened and get an answer.

Today in an email from our genetic counselor we were told: “I spoke with XXXXX from the Manton Center. The “thing” they found in one of your previous pregnancies, they also found in McLovin, so it is a non issue. They did not find anything connecting the pregnancies and abnormalities. I think that is a good thing…. I know you want an answer. You have had all of the testing that exists to date. However, technology changes quickly and now they have all of the DNA. They were going to look over everything again and let me know.”

So, I guess that closes the book on the genetic testing and search for answers, for now. Maybe there will be some new medical marvel in our lifetime, or maybe some new discoveries, or…. something. But my search for answers right now is at a dead end with no apparent path forward at the moment. I suppose I can tell myself that I’ve done all I can for now and left no stone un-turned, and if there is anything I can do in the future I am open to it. That’s really all I can tell myself.

Life Lately…

Watching- Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (I’ve been a Kiernan Shipka fan since her Sally Draper days)

Reading- Lessons: My Path to A Meaningful Life by Gisele

 

 

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Random Thoughts, Again

The Husband made a one off comment recently that made me wonder:

Do I want another child or is it that I want McLovin to be a baby again?

I feel like this should be simple, but why can’t it be both? It may be simple for some to just go with it when they’ve never had issues around conceiving and pregnancy loss. But I suppose, given our history and the fact we’ve never gotten answers or don’t know the likelihood of losses happening again, should we try for another if we’re mixing up what we really want or think we want?

Does that make sense?

The Husband’s comment was a one off, not in the middle of a deep discussion or debate or anything, just normal conversation about the future. It was a few weeks ago, but it’s stuck to me so I figured I should just write and maybe it would come to me.

McLovin is much fun and learning so much and running around and keeping busy. I love watching him grow and change and learn. But I also miss when I could just hold him all day and he’d just cuddle to me and be content. It’s not so much I want him to be a baby as that I want time to slow down.

And I suppose I always just pictured two children. I would love to have another child to hold and to love and to teach and to watch grow up. If I am being completely honest, I think I’ve always pictured boys. I don’t think I’ve ever envisioned a daughter. Which isn’t to say I would not be happy with a daughter – if I ever have the good fortune to be pregnant with a healthy pregnancy again I couldn’t care less if the gender is male or female! But in my mind, when I picture it, it’s two sons. I don’t know why. But that’s how it is. And when I expressed that to The Husband I think that’s why he made the comment that I may just want McLovin to be a baby again and in reality, not another child. Not in a judgmental way, or exasperated, more like an observation.

I’m not sure if I got anywhere with it or not. Sigh.

Tomorrow is September. One of my favorite months but with mixed emotions. It marks our 10 year wedding anniversary this year (we are taking our first overnight away from McLovin to spend the weekend in Connecticut! Eek!); it marks the start of Patriots football; it marks the start of cool, crisp weather and fall (although I personally love summer and am not in a rush for it to pass but people are already enjoying Pumpkin Spice everything so…) … but it’s also the month we lost two pregnancies and I guess it will always have that bite for me. My second favorite month has those two scars, but I still love it.

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