June 1, 2016

6/1/16

Weight check: up three pounds.

I heard the heartbeat at our doctor’s appointment yesterday… in the 160’s and strong! Best moment of my week so far.

I still want a turkey sandwiches and I miss feeling fit. I feel like a slob-kebob right now. Today I was craving KFC potato wedges… yuck I know, but it’s not like I eat it everyday! But then I will randomly feel like gagging out of nowhere

My “feeling” was right…. the NIPT revealed this baby is a BOY! I told E that I was beside myself with happiness. It’s so funny how it happened – I woke up in the morning thinking of her out of nowhere. Then, in the afternoon I got a call from her and she said she FINALLY was calling with wonderful news and told us everything was normal. She asked if we wanted to know the gender – I told her I needed to ask The Husband. We agreed to find out, but we wanted to find out together. So we had her email me the results. Then I finished out the workday, went to yoga, picked up Burger King on the way home (allowing myself to eat junk to celebrate the good news) and we opened the email after I walked in the door. Believe me, I was itching to open it sooner and I am so proud of myself for holding out.

Symptoms check: Some lower abdominal discomfort…. Not cramps but a stretching/pulling feeling…. Peeing a lot…. Boobies are bigger, and even my step-father mentioned it to my mother this weekend after a Memorial Day pool party at their house… evidently he didn’t realize larger breasts were a pregnancy symptom! He asked my mom if it was healthy for me to get implants while I was pregnant… hahahaah!

Next step: our early anatomy scan in a week and a half (16 weeks exactly) and hopefully hearing that he has two working kidneys and there are no major issues!!! Please please please!

I suppose at some point I should share this news on the blog. Maybe actually hit “Publish” on one of these posts instead of leaving it in my Drafts folder. I’m not sure when it will feel right.

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McLovin: Six Months

My little man has made it halfway around the sun (and a little further at this point.) He is doing well and being with him is the best part of my days.

At his six month visit he weighed in at 16lbs., and is right on his growth chart curves at ~23rd percentile for weight and height, and 12th percentile OFC. His doctor said he has no concerns with his growth.

We’ve started introducing solids following the Baby Led Weaning method. He has taken a great interest in touching, playing with and sucking on different foods but hasn’t really ingested much! He’s had avocado, carrots, cucumber, green beans and strawberries. It’s fun to watch him explore, and he loves sitting in his high chair with us at dinner times. He hasn’t taken much interest in his sippy cup yet but loves playing with his plastic spoons. We are still breastfeeding, and it’s one of the best parts of our relationship and being his mother (in my opinion.) During the work day he is bottle fed on a schedule, but when we are together (weekends, days off) we nurse on demand. My original goal was two weeks, then that turned into a month, then that turned in to three months (my original stretch goal) and now we are at six months. I would love to make it a year, or longer, if the universe cooperates. I have a “stud and a dud” – now I get basically nothing out of my left side, meanwhile I can get 4 or 5 oz. out of my right side during a pumping session. He has always preferred my right side, and I would try to get him to take the left and he would either fuss and fuss or only nurse for two or three minutes. At this point I’ve just kind of given up. He’s getting all he needs from the right and I don’t feel like forcing the issue.

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We still have some room for improvement with his sleep. He’s usually up at least once, sometimes twice a night still. The good thing is that he nurses then goes right back to sleep – he isn’t up crying for an hour, or wanting to play. His wakings last 10, 15 minutes tops. The pediatrician made a comment during his six month visit that he’d like to hear that he’s sleeping through the night by the time we come in for his nine month check up and that he thinks he’s still waking because he’s hungry, as he isn’t getting much (if anything) in solids right now. Believe me, nobody would like to report he’s sleeping through the night more than me! Especially given I am working full time. I am managing though, and I remind myself each day that this period in his life is small in the long run, in the long arc. And every time he wakes up, and after I realize that he isn’t going to put himself back to sleep, I tell him I love him and try to think about these moments as special times between the two of us. I read a quote that another blogger friend put on Instagram (below) and I think it helped me put things in perspective. One day he won’t want to nurse. One day he won’t need me to hold and care for him like this. I don’t want to rush him and wish away the times he needs or wants love and nursing like this, because I know one day I will miss it. It seems stupid to say that when I would love for a solid 8 hour sleep stretch right now, but it’s true. He’s also taken to occasionally rolling on to his stomach during sleep, which still scares me but I am trying to just relax and let him do his thing. I know it’s safer now that he can roll both ways, and I can see that his head is turned and airway open, but it still gets me a little agitated from time to time.

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He loves playing and his favorite toys are his rattles and soft books. He’s become a tummy time rockstar, and lately no sooner do I put him down on his back and he’s rolled over and reaching for his toys. He can sit up for a (very) small length of time doing the tripod position.

So, that’s the short story of McLovin at six months. I love being his mommy.

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Happy Mothers Day to me… cookie dough ice cream 🙂

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May 24, 2016

5/24/16

The NIPT results came in today. We got an excited call from E… the results are NORMAL! Negative/low risk for all of the abnormalities that the MaterniT21 tests for…

And, my gut feeling was correct… it is a BOY!

I am beside myself right now. I can’t believe I am the one getting all this good news.

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Twenty Six

I’ve felt a bit emotional the past week or so, for different reasons. Nothing I care to write about tonight. I’m almost feeling a bit hormonal, but it’s not consistent.

At 10:33 PM tonight it will be 26 weeks since I gave birth to McLovin. I always think of Wednesday’s as “our night” since it’s the day of the week we first met.

I look at McLovin and he’s everything I could have wished for. And more. He’s the most precious and amazing being I’ve ever met. Tonight I was breastfeeding him in the darkness and he fell asleep in my arms, and I couldn’t move. Just listening to his sweet inhales and exhales and marveling at how I never thought I could love anyone or anything this much, it brought tears to my eyes.

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May 16, 2016

I’ve gained two pounds thus far. I feel like it’s more but the numbers don’t lie.

Today we had our nuchal scan with MFM at the hospital. The nuchal measurement is 1.9, which is well below the 3.0 that Dr. T said would indicate a higher risk. Baby had a great heart rate, showed great growth (measuring a full week ahead) and Dr. T was, again, all smiles so we were all smiles too! I don’t feel any movement yet but baby was definitely moving all around today during the scan… just floating and bouncing around.

I still feel like this baby is a boy… and today Dr. T said she could tell the gender during the scan and asked if we wanted to know – we said no (for now). We are looking forward to receiving the MaterniT21 test results back in 7-10 days… we had the blood drawn today, and I’m nervous for it but I want as much information as possible, and if it’s good news I think it will only make me feel more confident in this pregnancy.

I miss turkey sandwiches and breaking a good sweat when working out. I also have a craving for strawberries… and Cran-Lemonade. And now an aversion to dairy.

New symptom: I’m having vivid dreams.

I’ve been pretty happy, unless you are on my bad side… I’ve also had a “Me against the world” thing going on… not sure why..

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Thoughts On Mother’s Day

On this day last year: Mother’s Day. I went to a brunch at a nearby function facility with my mother and grandmother. Neither knew I was pregnant; in fact, my mother commented that I looked like I lost weight. The three plate fulls of food argued otherwise. I was still in the first trimester. I remember that as we were leaving I used the ladies room and dropped my phone in there. I had to run back in after just about pulling out of the parking lot to leave. I remember seeing all the young kids with their mothers and wondering if next year it would be me. I remember fantasizing about it in my mind, wondering what it would be like.

Now McLovin is here. He was there last year too, in a way. We are going to brunch with my mother and grandmother at one of our local country clubs. The Husband goes to lunch with his mother, aunts and grandmother and I go to brunch with my mother and grandmother. That’s the way it’s always been; I joined them for one of their lunches many years ago and I was NOT a fan of the restaurant or food so I never went again. Well, today she showed up bright and early to watch McLovin, as she does every Monday and Wednesday. And asked “Is McLovin coming with The Husband on Sunday?” To be honest, I forgot all about Sunday. When Mother’s Day has been awful trigger for years, you tend not to think about it much or count down the days. I asked, “What’s Sunday? Where is The Husband going?” And she reminded me that it’s Mother’s Day. And said “McLovin is coming to lunch with The Husband, yes?” Nodding her head yes, as if by doing that I would agree. I told her that, McLovin and I are going to brunch with my mother and grandmother and we aren’t going to rush, so I don’t know what time we’ll be home. Maybe if we are home on time, McLovin will go with The Husband. Maybe not. She then commented that surely I’d want the afternoon to myself and she and her sisters would love holding him.

Grrrrrr.

In years past I would see all the picture perfect photos on social media of others and their “perfect” Mothers Day celebrations. Some women with their kids; some women without their kids and toasting themselves. My best friend M would always get together with her mother, sister and some of their mother/daughter friends sets. They’d leave the kids at home and drive to Newport for lunch and drinks. This year I was invited, with my mother of course. “Leaving the kids at home with the men, going for lunch + drinks and having a day off from it all. LMK if you want to go.” I would always have a pang of envy when I saw the yearly photo of them all out by the water, smiling and celebrating themselves. They were mothers and I was not, at least not in the way that mattered to society. But now I’ve been invited, I’M IN THE CLUB, and I’m not sure that I want to go! It’s interesting to me that for them, Mother’s Day is about being WITHOUT the kids. And when I think about it tonight, right now, I think about being with McLovin and doing something fun as a family – a walk on the beach, a walk around the park, visiting a zoo. It’s not a judgment on them, or on how they view/acknowledge the holiday, just an observation.

I’ve waited and struggled through three Mother’s Days since my first loss (Mothers’ Days? What is the appropriate plural?!?!)  I’ve struggled with the grief and sadness and anger.  Maybe I want to be with my son. Yes, maybe I’ll go for a pedicure or for a run or go shopping in the afternoon by myself. Maybe I won’t.  But I don’t need my MIL putting her two cents in and assuming what I do or don’t want. I don’t need a big celebration or a big gift, I just want to have a good day being a mom to my boy. And if that includes an hour or two of some mental health “Me Time”, then so be it!

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May 2, 2016

5/2/16

Well, today I found out what it feels like to go to an ultrasound and get good news. We had a visit with MFM at the hospital today, and at 10 weeks Dr. T was able to rule out anencephaly. The baby does not have anencephaly.

After the ultrasound tech left, E came into the room with a big grin. She had watched the ultrasound from the other room and said everything looks just right for 10 weeks. She went into some technical descriptions but I was just so relieved and a little surprised and I didn’t listen. Then Dr. T came in and confirmed what E said – no anencephaly. She cannot rule out spina bifida or the kidney issues that rendered my first pregnancy “incompatible with life” but she could rule out anencephaly so we are officially over another hurdle. There were big smiles all around and hugs.

My next ultrasound is in two weeks for the nuchal scan and having blood drawn for the MaterniT21 screening.

I had so much anxiety this morning. I woke up at 5AM and could not go back to sleep. I used to think that flying was my biggest fear; today I decided that going in for an ultrasound might top the fear list now. I never feel as much anxiety driving in to the airport as I felt this morning driving to the hospital.

Please be okay. Please keep the good news coming.

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April 28, 2016

Early to bed, late to rise is my new motto. Sleep has been okay, but I’m waking up at least once a night (usually around 2AM) to go to the bathroom. Luckily I fall back asleep quickly. So I guess sleep has been ok.

I want a turkey sandwich.

I gag every morning while brushing my teeth

I feel like this baby is a boy.

Our ten week ultrasound is Monday morning… I HOPE ITS ALL GOOD NEWS… Please be okay, please be okay….

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April 19, 2016

4/19/16

Tomorrow is our first ultrasound of this pregnancy. I should be just around eight weeks.

During each of my other pregnancies I had early ultrasounds by now. During my first, my cycles were so wacky that we did an ultrasound at what turned out to be six weeks just for dating purposes. The second and third pregnancies I had early ultrasounds due to bleeding and spotting. This pregnancy, no ultrasounds.

I’m glad I haven’t needed one due to spotting – no spotting this pregnancy (knock on wood.)  No cramps. I just feel hungover all day everyday. Without the fun stories about what happened the night before.

Anyway… I’m nervous to go to the hospital and MFM… last time it turned out bad for me and I’m not in a rush to relive that experience. The timing of this appointment was fortuitous for me- this is Dr. T’s only day at the hospital today, and they straight away offered me a morning appointment which I gladly accepted because I had a meeting tomorrow at work that I didn’t want to attend. Now I don’t have to. Thanks to the scheduling gods!

Things are cruising right along. I’ve been going to acupuncture every ten days or so. J is the best and always talks some sense into me when I talk about how I feel guilty complaining about feeling sick or tired. She’s always got a good anecdote for me and I do feel more relaxed after being on the table. Work has been a struggle – around 2PM I start feeling so exhausted and I wish our office had a “Nap Nook” or “Relaxation Room” or something, if only so I can go somewhere and close my eyes for 20 minutes. Eating is a struggle – I have many aversions but no cravings. I eat just to eat and nothing is enjoyable. And if I eat something one day, even the thought of it makes me nauseous the following day. I can’t eat the same food two days in a row.

Dr. F called me last week just to check in on me. I haven’t seen her yet, but she wanted to tell me she is on vacation this week and if I had any issues to call the office and one of the other docs would take good care of me. And that she’ll be looking forward to seeing the ultrasound report after my visit with MFM tomorrow. She was so kind, I can tell she really cares. Everyone has been so kind – well, Dr. F and E are the only two providers I’ve spoken to, but each of them had kind, encouraging words for me and I know that even if the worst happens again, I am in great hands.

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Sound of Silence

Something strange is happening.

Well, not so strange ordinarily – but different for me for the past few months.

I am alone in my house. This hasn’t happened since November 15, 2016.

The Husband took McLovin to visit his grandparents this morning, because they haven’t seen him since January. I should be preparing for our Easter lunch, as we are having company later this afternoon.  I should be sweeping the floor, setting the china, getting out the ice bucket, among other tasks on my to do list.

But I am enjoying the sound of silence.

He even took the dog, as she loves car rides and his grandmother. No Layla begging for a treat or crying to go outside.

I forgot what this feels likes!

I think I might take a nice long shower – I went for a run this morning and could use it. Then maybe sit on the porch and enjoy a glass of tea for a few minutes. Then get to my chores.

As nice as it is to have some time to myself, I can’t wait until they get home so I can dress McLovin in his Easter outfit and enjoy the nice day with him. It’s finally feeling like spring in Massachusetts.

I hope everyone reading this has an enjoyable holiday if you celebrate Easter, or a nice Sunday otherwise.

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