Almost 33

As I get further along in this pregnancy I find myself getting a tad more emotional about my relationship with McLovin and the changes our family is about to experience.

The early part of my pregnancy was dominated by sickness (morning sickness, Hand Foot & Mouth and general fatigue) and the loss of Layla. Part of me feels like I never fully went through the grief of losing her, as if somehow being pregnant muted it and I wasn’t able to fully process it. And I’ve been very moody throughout the duration. I can’t say I’ve ever felt 100% joyful. I’ve felt happiness and relief that this baby is healthy and our pregnancy has been progressing “normally” but not “carefree happiness” or “complete joy” or “glowing.” It’s been much different this time around and I wish it wasn’t. I wish I felt glowing. I wish I wanted to take maternity photos and document this. But instead I just… don’t. And I worry I will regret it. That I didn’t make enjoy it as fully as I “should.” The closest I think I’ve been to really being happy and enjoying it was when my two best friends hosted a “sprinkle” for me last weekend. It was small, much smaller than my shower, at the home of my best friend L and we had Italian food and red velvet cupcakes. And I felt happy, and I felt mostly relaxed and able to enjoy it. Not moody or angry.

 

I also feel so worried and protective over McLovin. I know when RBG comes it won’t be just the two of us, I won’t be able to drop everything for him, I won’t be able to focus 100% on him. And I love our relationship. I adore him. And I hope he does okay. I hope he doesn’t resent me. I am trying to spend as much time together as we can doing fun things like going to the park and to the zoo because I think I feel guilty about how his life is going to change and he doesn’t even realize it fully. He knows he has “sister” in mommy’s belly and her bedroom is going to be next to his, and he goes in her room and says “I’m in sister’s room”, but he’s only 2 1/2 so…  and I think about, what if something happens to me? Every day on social media there’s something new about maternal mortality rates and how the US has less than the best maternal care, and I think to myself “What if McLovin doesn’t have a mother?” and it brings tears to my eyes. Or I think of those parents recently, the ones who sent their kids to school and their kids did not come home because they tried to save themselves and their peers from mad gunmen. And it brings tears to my eyes too.

I guess being hormonal and emotional is part of the whole pregnancy thing.

In other news we’ve made progress in RBG’s room.  The painting is done! The crib is here! I’ve ordered the dresser! And some wall art from Etsy! The color scheme is light gray, blush pink and aqua (maybe more of a seafoam.) il_340x270.982737610_7cm4And this weekend is Mother’s Day. Sunday morning we are going to brunch with my mother, my grandmother is not joining us this year because she’s visiting our family down south. Then we are SUPPOSED to go to my husband’s aunts house to have dinner with his mother and her side of the family, but honestly I’m just annoyed that it’s going to be a big dinner with that entire side of the family as if it is a major holiday or something. I just want to spend time with my son and not have my mother in law hovering over him, or my father in law distracting him and being loud and annoying, or having to be “on” for them all and socializing. I may just stay with McLovin and do something just the two of us and let The Husband go visit them without me. That’s part of this whole moodiness thing, I can’t even be bothered to socialize with people sometimes. It’s just a Hallmark holiday anyway. Hmph.

Perhaps I should just be a hermit!

 

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Thirty 2.0

Hello from thirty weeks along. RBG’s due date is just about two months away.

I am so. far. behind. compared to where I was with preparations during McLovin’s pregnancy. There nursery is not painted – I haven’t picked a color. I’ve picked a general color scheme (gray, blush pink and teal) – but the walls are still full of squares of different colors as I try and decide between the samples. Maybe because the room is a mess and full of boxes and I don’t even want to be in there right now. This has been a problem for me – no motivation to get these things done. I had some time off earlier this week I decided to clean out my OWN closet and post items on PoshMark rather than do the important things, like start cleaning the swing and bouncer and pack n’ play in anticipation of RBG’s arrival. I seem to have some sort of mental block about making nursery decisions, yet I feel immense pressure to get it done and am starting to get anxious it won’t get done before she’s here. And The Husband is anxious for me to make decisions so he can get the painting done. The more he asks me about it the more annoyed with myself I get and want to just avoid the conversation. It’s a weird cycle.

RBG is doing well. At our last growth scan everything looked great, and our next scan is next week. We start biophysical profiles with MFM every other week from 30-36 weeks, then weekly from 36 on. Also weekly non stress tests at that point but with my OB. So lots of appointments coming up and through the duration. It sounds daunting and like a LOT, but after our three losses I’d rather have those touchpoint with our care team and have the monitoring. I failed my one hour glucose test but passed the three hour test, so that was excellent news. Talk about a long freaking morning though. By the time I got out I booked it to Burger King because it’s right near my doctor’s office and I was STARVING after fasting. I was able to bring my laptop and work though since the office has free wifi. So I wasn’t bored, but I was HANGRY. In general I feel less tired since starting the iron supplement, but I still do enjoy my sleep.

So things are cruising along. McLovin is keeping me busy and that might be part of why I can’t focus to get anything done in the nursery. He is also starting to come around in that when we talk about a “baby sister” he at least doesn’t shout “NO!” and now he will point at my belly and say “Hi sister.”  We have not decided on a name yet – McLovin didn’t have his name until two days after he was born, because I was also indecisive then too, and I feel as though we are headed in that direction again. I have a list I’m keeping and I know my top three but The Husband and I aren’t necessarily eye to eye on the top three yet.

Thank you to everyone who left a comment on my last post related to my work situation and issues. For the time being I’ve decided to stick it out and see what happens for now, and if by the time I go out on leave I feel as though I need a change then I will start looking, but am going to stay with an open mind for now and see where the chips fall. I still don’t have a permanent boss, and I do worry that one will be hired while I am out on leave and I won’t be there to advocate for myself or my team when she/he starts. And then I get carried away thinking they will want to make sweeping changes that will impact my team and our work and I won’t be there, and everyone else will get to build a good relationship with this person from the get go and I won’t because I’ll be on leave, etc. etc. I am probably overthinking, but I have change fatigue after everything that’s gone on there the past year. I wouldn’t put anything past the place right now, from outsourcing parts of finance to more layoffs to restructuring responsibilities and changing job functions etc. etc. But I can’t control any of that, and I do need a job and benefits right now and technically I’m the “breadwinner” so to speak, so I’m putting my best foot forward and rolling with it and not making any big decisions right now.

I guess that’s the update from here. RBG is good, I am good, McLovin is good, The Husband is anxious to finish things up, status quo at work, and the weather broke so we are enjoying much more fun outdoor time. I hope all my blog friends are well and enjoying early spring and all it has to offer.

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Life Update

I’ve found myself in a position recently where I am starting to not enjoy my job, or not necessarily my job but the company for which I work, less and less. I wrote last year about the layoffs we had in May, and my former boss/predecessor (as I was promoted after her departure) and mentor was laid off. Since then I’ve had three different bosses, the most recent/current being a consultant and “interim” until they find a permanent hire. Naturally this leads to very little development or training for me, because I’ve been bounced around and even though I felt like I could learn a lot from three of the four, (the exception being the consultant and my current “boss”, not what I’d call a leader or someone I feel I could learn a lot from), I never got the chance before another reorganization changed the department structure. My company also, in the last two months, announced they are outsourcing half of our IT to a company in India and, by the way, that company is now evaluating the entire Finance division and all managers have to spend a week with them going over all current processes and functions to see what can be “streamlined”, which we all take to mean be outsourced along with IT. So it has not been fun times recently and I have serious doubts about any form of job stability/security with my current employer. I’m not averse to change, but I am averse to the constant negativity and worry and gossip that has taken over many of my colleagues and consumes an inordinate part of the work day. Naturally, with a 2 year old at home and being a little over 6 months pregnant right now, job stability is sort of important for me seeing as I need to help provide for these little people.

So I’ve been casually looking for a new job. I haven’t applied anywhere, but I’m keeping my eyes open to see what the job market is like. Being pregnant complicates the equation I think. Is it better to wait it out, go on maternity leave (if I’m not laid off first) and find a job while on leave? Is it better to wait it out, be told at some point before my leave that I’m being laid off and offered a package, and accept that package and start looking for a new job while on leave? Or maybe I wait it out and don’t get laid off, but I’m sure other changes would be coming that I’d have to deal with and might not like or appreciate. I guess my fear is I would miss a great opportunity out there right now if I’m not looking. But I just don’t know if a six months pregnant woman who is going on leave is an “attractive” hire. I know employers can’t discriminate against pregnant woman, but I wouldn’t even be covered under FMLA if I started a new job soon because I wouldn’t be employed at any new company long enough.

Sigh.

Thankfully the pregnancy is going well, save for the fact I’m anemic and had to start an iron supplement and failed the one hour glucose test. My three hour test is this coming Wednesday, wish me luck please because I do not want to give up kynReese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I am 26 weeks today. RBG is growing on track, and right now I am having monthly visits with my OB and monthly growth scans, as we’re following the same plan as we did with McLovin. Eventually it will be OB visits every 2 weeks and then non-stress tests every two weeks and then weekly biophysical profiles. It sounds daunting but it worked with McLovin and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. We haven’t even narrowed down a list of names or started painting her room but my Pinterest board is full of ideas. It is just much harder for me to get motivated with so many other things on my mind and chasing around my very active toddler McLovin.

McLovin is fabulous and loves Baby Shark and Paw Patrol, specifically Chase, Marshall and Rubble. He loves being outdoors, even in the snow, and tried to help The Husband shovel our walkways this year with his own little shovel which he was just obsessed with. He loves buggy rides, chasing leaves, and just “racing” us back and forth in the backyard.

So that is the update from our part of the world. Stress at work, RBG is fine but I have some smallish matters pending. Hopefully the iron supplement is doing its thing, I already feel less tired and more energetic than before so I think it is helping. I am not sure if the work situation will improve or resolve itself anytime soon so now I am just trying to start doing what I need to do and not anymore. What’s going to happen will happen no matter if I put in extra time or answer emails at night or go above and beyond, and with so many other priorities in my life it’s time to put work in its rightful place because if they want to lay me off they will, regardless.

Happy spring!

j

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Life Now

The past few months have been trying and happy and sad and exhausting and hopeful and worrisome and busy and everything. I feel like I’ve run the gamut of emotions since the beginning of November, when (trigger warning/spoiler alert) I found out I was pregnant. My hopeful excitement was short lived because later that same week is when our dog fell ill. A week later McLovin caught Hand, Foot and Mouth. The week after his symptoms appeared I was also diagnosed with HFM. Being 7 weeks pregnant with HFM, in the throes of fatigue and nausea, is not something I recommend. I was exhausted, sick, overwhelmed, worried about our dog, worried about the pregnancy, worried about McLovin. By the time I was 10 weeks along I had lost 4 lbs. and spent a week out of work. McLovin and I were well again for his second birthday party, but by that time Layla was not improving and I knew deep down we would be saying goodbye sooner rather than later. November culminated with that awful night we put her down, the lowest of my recent lows. I still look at her urn every night, sitting on my nightstand, and wish I could pet her. Wish I could smell her doggy scent, hear her nails clicking on the hard work, hear her grunt when I bothered her with hugs while she was laying with The Husband (she didn’t like being bothered when her favorite was by her side.) I miss her terribly.

December was better, and culminated with finding out this baby is a girl on Christmas Eve. Our recent high. And thus far at 15 weeks, with several ultrasounds and blood tests under our belt, we are on track and our MFM specialist is “thrilled.” If she is thrilled, we are thrilled. We are referring to this baby as RBG (Ruth Bader Ginsburg) because is there any other better badass woman I could use as a nickname? Right now I think not.

McLovin is two and he’s amazing. He loves sticks and tractors and being outside. He’s putting two and three words together now, and “Boob”, “Poop” and “Fart” are among his favorite, or rather most frequent, words. He’s also (unfortunately) picked up on “Oh, shit” and that will come out occasionally (and he uses it correctly too!). So I guess I have to be better about policing my own language and cleaning up my act while trying not to smirk, laugh or otherwise encourage him. Sigh.

That’s been our life over the past few months, in a nutshell. Shocked beyond belief that somehow, some way, after three awful losses we have been gifted two (seemingly) healthy pregnancies in a row. I still don’t know why we lost. What caused it. What changed now? Nothing that I know of. It’s hard to make sense of it, even for me and I wished for it and wanted it and am living it.

If all goes well we will be welcoming a little girl in June. It seems surreal but it’s true. We want to adopt another puppy in the spring as well. We both miss that companionship, that love that a dog brings to life. No new puppy will replace Layla but I like to think she would approve of us loving and caring for another dog that she can watch over for us.

Sending lots of light, peace and strength to those who need it or are having a tough time right now.

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“Just This Side of Heaven Is A Place Called Rainbow Bridge…”

On the morning on Sunday, November 25th we lost our beloved best friend. Our Layla passed away at nine years old.

I don’t think I have the words now to do her justice. I know I’ve written about her many times. About how much she means to us. How she helped us through the hard times, just by listening and letting me cry. I’d wrap my arms around her and bury my head in to her and the tears would come. She didn’t care. She sat there, strong, taking it all in. We’d go for walks. I can’t remember the last walk we took now, but she loved going for walks. She’d go to work with The Husband every day, except those days when I was home and insisted she stay home with me. She went on vacations with us, from the Vineyard to Virginia. She went to family parties, cookouts, holidays. I would tell her “Mommy thinks you’re an angel sent from Heaven.” Someone knew exactly what we needed when they sent us her way.

She had been experiencing a slow decline, since August or so but it really seemed to get worse at the end of October. It began with vomiting, then lack of appetite. We took her to her vet, then an emergency vet, then to a third, then a GI specialist. Throughout the ordeal all of her lab work, ultrasounds, X-rays etc. came back “Normal.” Not once could they find anything wrong with her, anything that raised a red flag. We tried different medications and she was stable. She was stable, pain free, and happy to be with us.

Until late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. Saturday night she was sitting by the dinner table with  me, eating small pieces of chicken and treats. We laid on the couch together and eventually I went to bed, telling her “Mommy is going to bed now. I’ll give you more love tomorrow.” The Husband went to bed a few hours after. He woke up around 2AM to find her in a bad state. He woke me up and I went downstairs where she was hiding in a corner, and I knew by looking at her. That this was the end of her time with us. I hugged her, cried, told her I loved her. Told her I was sorry we couldn’t fix her. That if love was enough she’d be the healthiest dog in the world and she’d live to be 100. I gave her kisses. And then I wrapped her blanket around her and The Husband carried her to the car to take her to the emergency vet.

I am sorry I couldn’t be with her. If not for McLovin fast asleep in his room I would have been there. People tell you after that you could have called them and they would have came over, even at that hour, to sleep on the couch and watch out for McLovin. The Husband was with her and held her head, and talked to her and said it was very peaceful. She still had her blanket. I’ve been there with one of my family dogs from when I was a child/teenager and with our cat about five or six years ago, so I can picture it in my mind.

A few years ago, back in 2014 I visited a psychic medium. I mentioned it here. My grandfather came through, and the medium said he was with a black dog. I assume it was his beloved dog Bear. And she told me, very specifically, that he wants me to know he watches over the animals for us. I hope they have found each other on the other side and he is taking care of her. I know he would.

We are having her cremated and I just want her back here with us. Back with her family.

Rest in peace my sweet Layla. I will love you forever. Thank you for being our best friend, for loving us, for taking care of us, for bringing us such happiness and laughter. Thank you for being patient with your brother. You made the tough times bearable. You made the good times better. I’ll see you when I get there.

 

 

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And The Beat Goes On

So, do y’all remember this post from over a year ago? About the “potential candidate”? They wanted McLovin’s sample to see if he carried the mutation they found. Which we willingly sent in the name of science and finding answers.

As recently as August there was NO UPDATE. Because yes, even though McLovin was born safe and sound and healthy I still want an answer. I went through Hell and I feel like I owe it to myself, and The Husband, and the babies we lost and McLovin to try and find out what happened and get an answer.

Today in an email from our genetic counselor we were told: “I spoke with XXXXX from the Manton Center. The “thing” they found in one of your previous pregnancies, they also found in McLovin, so it is a non issue. They did not find anything connecting the pregnancies and abnormalities. I think that is a good thing…. I know you want an answer. You have had all of the testing that exists to date. However, technology changes quickly and now they have all of the DNA. They were going to look over everything again and let me know.”

So, I guess that closes the book on the genetic testing and search for answers, for now. Maybe there will be some new medical marvel in our lifetime, or maybe some new discoveries, or…. something. But my search for answers right now is at a dead end with no apparent path forward at the moment. I suppose I can tell myself that I’ve done all I can for now and left no stone un-turned, and if there is anything I can do in the future I am open to it. That’s really all I can tell myself.

Life Lately…

Watching- Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (I’ve been a Kiernan Shipka fan since her Sally Draper days)

Reading- Lessons: My Path to A Meaningful Life by Gisele

 

 

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Random Thoughts, Again

The Husband made a one off comment recently that made me wonder:

Do I want another child or is it that I want McLovin to be a baby again?

I feel like this should be simple, but why can’t it be both? It may be simple for some to just go with it when they’ve never had issues around conceiving and pregnancy loss. But I suppose, given our history and the fact we’ve never gotten answers or don’t know the likelihood of losses happening again, should we try for another if we’re mixing up what we really want or think we want?

Does that make sense?

The Husband’s comment was a one off, not in the middle of a deep discussion or debate or anything, just normal conversation about the future. It was a few weeks ago, but it’s stuck to me so I figured I should just write and maybe it would come to me.

McLovin is much fun and learning so much and running around and keeping busy. I love watching him grow and change and learn. But I also miss when I could just hold him all day and he’d just cuddle to me and be content. It’s not so much I want him to be a baby as that I want time to slow down.

And I suppose I always just pictured two children. I would love to have another child to hold and to love and to teach and to watch grow up. If I am being completely honest, I think I’ve always pictured boys. I don’t think I’ve ever envisioned a daughter. Which isn’t to say I would not be happy with a daughter – if I ever have the good fortune to be pregnant with a healthy pregnancy again I couldn’t care less if the gender is male or female! But in my mind, when I picture it, it’s two sons. I don’t know why. But that’s how it is. And when I expressed that to The Husband I think that’s why he made the comment that I may just want McLovin to be a baby again and in reality, not another child. Not in a judgmental way, or exasperated, more like an observation.

I’m not sure if I got anywhere with it or not. Sigh.

Tomorrow is September. One of my favorite months but with mixed emotions. It marks our 10 year wedding anniversary this year (we are taking our first overnight away from McLovin to spend the weekend in Connecticut! Eek!); it marks the start of Patriots football; it marks the start of cool, crisp weather and fall (although I personally love summer and am not in a rush for it to pass but people are already enjoying Pumpkin Spice everything so…) … but it’s also the month we lost two pregnancies and I guess it will always have that bite for me. My second favorite month has those two scars, but I still love it.

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Right Now

Reading: I just finished The Rules of Magic by Alice Hoffman this past weekend and haven’t started a new book yet. But, I’m very proud of myself – I’ve read 5 books this summer, which was unheard of last year! I’ve also read The Last Mrs. Parrish, Sharp Objects (had to read it before watching it on HBO), Little Fires Everywhere, and Bossypants (better late than never!)

Watching: an old Sex and the City rerun

Listening: To the television… but otherwise I’ve been on a Macklemore kick recently

Drinking: Iced coffee (decaf)… ’tis the season! For the record, I hate hot coffee and love iced coffee… and I love hot tea but hate iced tea. I’ve also been enjoying Sam’s Summer Ale while I can.

Eating: Too much junk lately, especially while on vacation two weeks ago! Too much ice cream, too much fried food. I keep saying… this week will be different…. but it hasn’t been. I need a kick to get me going.

Wearing: Leggings and a short sleeve tunic…. yay for comfortable clothes!

Loving: All the new words McLovin is coming up with lately and in general just watching him grow and new learn things what seems like every day…. my new Roomba (seriously, saves me so much time at night now that I am not sweeping all our hardwood before bed)… my new Birks.

Missing: Being on vacation. One week on the island is not enough, especially because we had a considerably larger group with us this year (my family from VA came up and rented a house as well) and so we did have occasions when we did stuff with them when we ordinarily would have just been doing what we want. For the first time since 2014 we did not visit the Children’s Memorial to see our stone, and when I realized this on Friday before we left I felt a little odd. I know it isn’t a site where our babies are at rest, but it FEELS like it because it’s the only place in the world where there is a place memorialized for our first child, and I sort of consider it to be for all three that we lost. And so I feel bad we didn’t go there. And we also didn’t get to see the sunset at Menemsha. I really think from now on I need a two week vacation, if only my wallet could afford a two week rental fee!

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Checking out the Atlantic Ocean views in Oak Bluffs

Anticipating: Our fiscal year end at work is August 31, so I’m anticipating getting PAST that date, past our FYE reporting for the auditors and over that hump. Also anticipating a trip to Arizona for a conference in November (I’ve never been!) and one of my best friends is traveling with me so we can do fun things and explore together during my down time. I also recently purchased a Young Living essential oils starter kit from a friend who sells their stuff. I’ve always been curious about oils and I figured I might as well satisfy my curiosity and just do it. If I don’t like it, I don’t have to buy again. So my kit/diffuser is on its way and she sent me some rollers so this will be interesting!

Hoping: That Robert Mueller wraps this thing up soon and gets on with the good stuff… I was very gleeful yesterday with the Manafort conviction/Cohen developments and I am so hopeful that our current administration’s corruption and greed is well on its way to being fully exposed. #resist…. that Gronk has a healthy season and the football gods are kind to the Patriots this season…. that our FYE goes smoothly at work and I don’t have too many questions from the auditors…. that McLovin’s current streak of sleeping well continues (and now that I just said that it probably won’t)…. that I come up with some great plan for our ten year wedding anniversary next month (I’m a slacker and procrastinator so no plans yet…)…. that somehow my MIL and FIL will become less annoying st some point

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Perhaps…

I have two competing factions within me.

One, that has been getting more and more annoyed with each new pregnancy announcement. Two people on their third pregnancy. A girl from work, who had her daughter after McLovin was born, announcing her second. A boy. (And I do find her incredibly annoying regardless – one of those who always wants to do lunch but never follows through, everyone’s best friend, has to be the center of attention. I stopped doing lunch with her and her group because I dislike her so; so it’s not just the pregnancy.) An acquaintance from high school on her fourth pregnancy.

That bitter side of me taking over. Why do they need three? Why do they need FOUR? Why is she having a second already; she must have been pregnancy before her first was one! Logically I know it is none of my business, and that other people having babies takes nothing away from me, and that just because it FEELS like other people are “using up” all the baby luck doesn’t mean it is true.

Then the other side of me feeling guilty. I never want McLovin to feel like he isn’t enough. That I don’t know how lucky I am to have him. That I don’t know what a miracle he is. That I wish for more. Every day I know what a miracle he is. Every day I know how lucky I am to have him. Every day I know that many others are still struggling to even have one, never mind two or four.

These two sides battle within me. And then I can’t decide which is stronger and I settle in to something comfortable on TV. Sex and the City; Curb; Mad Men. Oldies but goodies that can distract me from these feelings. I’ve read some books (always open to suggestions too!): Little Fires Everywhere; Summer Sisters; Something in the Water. Transported to other people’s stories or problems, none of it real, none of it with real consequences.

I think of the Supreme Court. Yes, Massachusetts is a liberal state. But what if we tried again and the worst happened, again? What if I didn’t have that option or it was limited? I know what my decision would be if we had a terrible diagnosis, again, but what if I am not allowed to have that decision?

All these thoughts. But it feels better to type it out anyway.

McLovin is the light though. Every night when I put him to bed I can’t believe he is mine, that I get to be his mom, that he is with us. He is the proof that it can happen for us, that it DID happen for us, that maybe it can happen again.

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Lately…

I’ve had a lot going on lately, personally and professionally. Things that were ripe for blogging and letting my feelings out, but it just never happened.

The short list of what is going on with some other random thoughts for good measure:

  • My stepfather spent a week in the hospital; he choked at a local restaurant while out one night for dinner with friends, then aspirated as they were giving him the heimlich or CPR (I’m not quite sure at what point it happened.) He was in the ICU, breathing tubes, etc. Thankfully he is home now but is still on his leave from work, but better nonetheless.
  • My MIL also experienced a medical issue a few weeks ago and was unable to watch McLovin her two days a week for three weeks. There was a lot of juggling of work/vacation days/babysitting going on.
  • On a side note, since then, she’s been getting on my nerves A LOT. I can’t stand the way she swoops in and essentially takes over with McLovin whenever we see here, wherever that is (restaurants, my house, family parties.) I can’t deal with long stretches with them without a drink in my hand.
  • We had a layoff at work, ~40 positions were eliminated (an individual was laid off OR an open position is just not being filled.) My boss was one who was laid off.
  • Subsequent to the layoff I have been promoted, and now two ladies have joined my team. I have not worked closely with them in the past, they previously reported to my boss and now they report to me. I have to learn what they do and how they do it since I’ve never worked in their area before, so their roles are new to me.
  • This also comes with strange emotional feelings; sad that my boss was laid off (she was a true mentor and I enjoyed working with/for her); excited that I was promoted; unsure if I earned it – would I have been promoted if not for the layoff? (probably not in my department, I probably would have had to switched departments to move up); sad that my promotion came at the expense of other people; feeling cheated that I have to have these weird thoughts about what should just be exciting/happy news and can’t just be excited about it.
  • As our divisional VP told me when he met with me to tell me of the promotion – “Nobody gets a free lunch” – mo money, mo problems and a lot more work. I’ve been logging a lot of hours at night trying to keep up.
  • The Americans is over. Any of my blog friends watch that show? In my opinion it was the best show on television and now I have no really good shows to look forward to anymore. At least the ending did the show justice… but… DAMN. That garage scene. That train scene. Not sure if I’ll ever be able to listen to “With or Without You” without thinking of how that scene played out.
  • Looking forward to our annual trip to New Hampshire later this month, then our trip to Martha’s Vineyard later this summer. We are also considering our first vacation sans McLovin in September for our 10 year anniversary. The Husband wants to go to Palm Beach, but I want to stay within driving distance because… McLovin. I still put him down myself (almost) every night (unless we have a date night and my mother watches him which doesn’t happen regularly)… he is still breastfeeding, even if only for comfort…. and my arms already feel empty at the thought of getting on a plane and flying 3.5 hours away, even if logically I know that isn’t too bad and it’s not like I’d be leaving the country or anything.
  • McLovin is still amazing. Still, at 18 months, I look at him sometimes and marvel at him, and the fact he is here, and how much I love him.
  • Looking for some good summer reading books. Any recommendations?

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no idea

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