Ramblin’ Man

  • Two weeks ago I had my first growth scan at 23 weeks. My MFM specialist wants to see me monthly for growth scans throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. After the scan she said she had “No concerns!”. Baby Boy was measuring in the 60th percentile and weighed approx. 1 1/2 lbs. Next scan is in two weeks.
  • Yesterday I had my monthly visit with my OB. I did the one hour glucose test and had bloodwork done. I PASSED the glucose test, but my bloodwork came back “slightly anemic.” So I have to start a low dose iron supplement which I’ll take once a day. The nurse said that the numbers were not too concerning, just “slightly below the threshold” which she said is common at this point in pregnancy. I would much rather take an extra vitamin each day vs. having gestational diabetes or having to do that three hour test. No other concerns after my visit – heartbeat was strong and steady around 140, I’ve gained 19 lbs total at this point, which I’m just over 25 weeks (!!! – it’s still a shock to step on the scale and see that number go up and up), and we discussed the Tdap vaccine which I’ll get at my visit next month. The Husband already got his Tdap booster earlier his month at his annual physical.
  • Baby Boy is still nameless. We have a few names we like, and there is a middle name that I particularly want to use (it’s a family name), but no decisions have been made. This is one of the questions I get asked most frequently. We’ve already decided that, when we do decide, we aren’t telling anyone anyway and they can just find out when he’s born.
  • The nursery is painted, the window treatments are done and drapes are hung, the carpet is stretched, and the crib and dresser are here! The dresser is put together but the crib is still in the box. The nightstand also came in, BUT it was scratched and warped so I had to call and complain about that – luckily I was given zero hassle and a replacement order is already in the works, and prepaid Fedex label was sent to me so I can return the damaged/defective product (I really don’t think it was shipping damage – I think it’s a manufacturer issue.) AND I got my original shipping refunded. I was very upset when I saw it, but a nightstand is not a necessity in the grand scheme so I can wait a few extra weeks to have the room put together.
  • After much deliberation my MIL has decided she will be at my shower and they will be leaving on their trip after the shower. I won’t even get into this any further.
  • Not only do I love the robe I bought from Pink Blush, but The Husband does too! He gave me a random compliment on it the other night. I also went to a LuLaRoe pop up last weekend with my friend E, and got a pair of leggings. I was a little dubious while I was there, but man are they comfortable. I’m wearing them right now.
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25 weeks down

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24 Weeks and Crankypants

Today I am 24 weeks pregnant, and I’ve been cranky alllll day. The Husband and I got in a spat last night, mainly because I was not impressed with the speed at which he’s painting the nursery. I would help him, but he doesn’t want me to paint because of the smell. His father left on a business trip today, so he is doing extra work this week (they work together for a family business), which he thought meant he could slack off on the nursery… Which I was not happy with because the crib is here (this is the set we ordered), the dresser will be here soon, and I have a carpet guy coming over later this week to stretch the carpet (there are some ripples in it.) Obviously all the furniture that is in there now has to be out for the carpet guy to do his thing, so there isn’t much time to waste! He didn’t like the reminder!

So I woke up today and I was still in a bad mood. People at work annoyed me. My mom annoyed me (sometimes she just cannot keep anything to herself and tells people things that I’m not sure how they even come up in normal conversation, and then wonders why I don’t want to tell her everything.) I really just want to lay in bed and be left alone, so I’m alternating between watching The Olympics and playing on the computer while curled up in my Snoogle.

My last post was anxiety ridden, and this one is now me being a complaining crankypants. But it is not all bad. We’ve actually been doing quite a bit and made a lot of good progress in our preparations (getting the room ready, painting, signing up for birth/breastfeeding/infant basics classes at our hospital.) But today I am just not feeling it. To help make myself feel better I ordered some maternity pajamas and robe from Pink Blush (here and here), and a nursing nightgown off Amazon (here.) When in doubt, get out the credit card for some online shopping, right? Ha! I also booked our maternity photo session for October. I wasn’t sure if I should do maternity photos, and at times in the past the thought of doing them made me cringe. But, I don’t know if I will be at this point again. It’s been over three years since we first started trying to have a baby, and after three failed pregnancies I don’t know if I will have it in me to try again and live through the fears and anxieties of the first trimester and anatomy scan. It feels like the second trimester is going by so quickly (probably because I am not feeling sick/exhausted and spending all my spare time laying on the couch like I did the first 12 weeks), and I do want to remember this. I am taking bump photos each week, but those only include me! So we are doing a photo shoot and our little Layla will be included! The photographer said she is very comfortable working with dogs too and has done several shoots with dogs (I was able to see some of the photos in her portfolio.) So that made me happy. She won’t be in all the photos, but I do want to get a few with her.

Speaking of, here is her beautiful self while we were on vacation two weeks ago. Looking perturbed as we both attempted to stretch out on the couch of our room – she thinks the couch is just for her comfort and not anyone else’s! Not sure what we would do if we could not find pet friendly accommodations for our travels!

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“Mommy, get off my couch and give me some space!”

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The Fear is Real

I’ve been having a bit more anxiety than usual the past week or so. The trigger – it started after I read something on social media – a friend of a friend’s 3 month old daughter passed away in her sleep ten days ago. The parent’s friends started a GoFundMe page to help with funeral expenses, etc., and any extra would go to the SIDS Institute.

I’ve never met this couple before, and they have two older children as well that I have never met. I can imagine how pained and devastated they are. And I’m sure that, as horrifying as I think it is, whatever they are experiencing is worse and my heart broke a little when I saw their daughter’s picture on the GoFundMe page. Why?? There is no answer that will ever suffice. When I saw those posts my mind got immediately swept up in the vicious anxiety web and I was off and running on Google and blogs and getting myself into a panic. It is hard to break out of that feeling that, once you have been “the one” who experiences tragedy (three times no less), you will always be “the one.” I know that I will not always be “the one” and that I am not going to carry all of life’s burdens and tragedies. But I have moments where I feel like I will be and that it is just going to be my lot in life. Even when things are going well with my current pregnancy, I still don’t entirely trust that my good luck will continue…. because it does feel like good luck. Like somehow, during this one pregnancy, I got lucky. I hope that it continues and  I hope that I get many, many healthy and happy years with my son, but there are no guarantees for any of us.

And then I decide I just have to try to be present, in this moment right now, and be thankful that I have made it this far. Right now everything is okay. Perhaps it won’t be tomorrow, but there’s no use worrying about it now and wasting this moment. And I don’t want my baby to feel my anxiety.

I wonder what it feels like to be one of those pregnant women with no fears or doubts. The ones that think after 12 weeks, everything is just golden and there is nothing to fear. They are right, the majority of the time at least.

I don’t mean to give the impression that I am just worrying 24/7. We’ve been on vacation and to a comedy show and to Babies R Us and things are moving right along. We’ve even picked out nursery furniture!  I’m getting in light exercise and reading and following the dramedy that is our 2016 election (#NeverTrump.) We go out to dinner and have been to cookouts and are going about life. But yes, I do have those moments of agonizing fear – I’ve been through so much to get to this point and I’m so afraid of losing it.

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Wooooah, Livin’ On A Prayer

I am 21 weeks pregnant. Well, tomorrow I will be. I can’t believe it. It feels like time has gone by very fast since our first anatomy scan. And now I sit here typing this and I can feel kicks (or is it punches?) and movement. Last night we went to see Jerry Seinfeld perform at Foxwoods in Connecticut, and I was laughing up a storm (obviously). And he was kicking the whole time. Probably because I was laughing a lot, but I jokingly said to The Husband it means he’s already a Seinfeld fan.

I am still nervous and have my fears, but lately I’ve been channeling my anxiety into researching infant/baby products. I was feeling like a slacker and feeling, as they say, “behind the 8 ball” because I didn’t start thinking about anything until after our 18 week anatomy scan. I really just couldn’t. I felt like it was pointless to spend time reading reviews and reading about safety and coming up with nursery ideas until after we made it past that scan. I couldn’t wrap my mind around thinking about this stuff and beginning to plan for November until we knew whether or not there were anatomical anomalies or concerns.

So now we know, and I’m channeling my nervous energy to trying to learn as much as I can about cribs and car seats and strollers and baby wearing and nursery ideas, etc. etc. I’ve spent countless hours on websites and reading reviews, and a good friend of mine bought me the Baby Bargains book – and I’ve read almost every chapter now. I have many friends who have kids, but I was not well versed in any of the different products or brands. A total novice. Now I feel more educated and a little less overwhelmed. However, even after reading parts of the book, the first time we went to Babies ‘R Us was completely overwhelming. We spent HOURS in there and only decided on about three items. And it seems like everyone has an opinion to offer and they are all different – someone loved this, but someone else hated it. Someone’s baby wouldn’t sleep without ____, and another person’s baby hated it and they ended up selling it. So some of this may be useless until baby is here and I know what he likes. Maybe I’m making too much out of it or taking it too seriously, but I went through too much grief and heartache to get to this point and I want to make sure we have everything we need, and that it’s SAFE. My hyper-vigilance has turned from getting through the first half of the pregnancy to what is going to happen when Baby Boy is (hopefully) here with us, happy and healthy.

And I do say “hopefully” because I am painfully aware that just because we’ve made it this far, and just because things are going well, doesn’t mean that something can’t happen later in pregnancy. It will never escape me that there is no “safe point”… I am happy and thankful to have made it this far, but until he is here – safe and in one piece with all his fingers and toes – I will have that fear in the back of my mind.

Even though I still have my fears and anxiety, I do enjoy being pregnant for the most part. Well, now that I’m safely in the second trimester and am no longer nauseous and tired. I have energy and am walking, doing some light weight training and practicing yoga several times a week. I like watching my bump grow and feeling him move. Sometimes it’s strange when a large chunk of my abdomen feels like it’s shifting and moving, but I like feeling him and knowing he’s there. I like looking at nursery ideas, even though it overwhelms me. I’ve started wearing maternity pants more and more, and I like them because they are actually really comfortable and I wish I could wear them ALL THE TIME. I’ve been getting a chair massage every other week (we have a masseuse at work every Thursday) and I like taking that time out for me – and it helps my back (I have been experiencing some back pain.) I like my Snoogle pregnancy pillow, which I bought to help with my back pain and to help me fall asleep easier without tossing and turning.

One point of stress that I’ve had recently has to do with having a baby shower. I was ambivalent about whether or not I wanted to have one – the fears and anxieties that crop up after having three losses will make any celebration seem like a bad idea and a jinx. But I will also say that I don’t want to cheat myself out of happiness and celebrating our baby boy – I want my turn to celebrate my little one too. Sometimes I would also feel down on myself for not allowing myself to feel or experience the joys and excitement that “normal” pregnant woman feel. I would justify it by saying I would be happy and excited once he’s here, and it doesn’t matter if I’m happy and excited now. Which I still consider to be true and valid. But as time has gone on and I’ve tried to relax and enjoy this pregnancy more, I became more comfortable with the idea of a shower. So now my mother, aunt and friend M are off and running with it. BUT NOW… there is always a but…

Enter my MIL. My mother has been in touch with her throughout and they chose a date for the shower together, which works for both of them. Except now my MIL and FIL decided that they want to fulfill one of their travel bucket list destinations this year (instead of next year like they originally planned) and so she asked The Husband if I would be “mad” if she wasn’t at the shower. After she had offered to help my mother, had a list of friends she wanted added to the invitation list and has been itching to be a grandmother since we got married. The Husband is an only child, so we are her only shot at being a grandmother. For the record, we are not very close – we get along and have never had any disagreements or whatnot, but it’s not like we go shopping together or out to lunch together or hang out. So I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep. I just think it’s rude that they are considering changing her travel plans and it just so happens to coincide with the baby shower date so she won’t be there. She didn’t have this planned ahead of time – she’s planning it after knowing about the shower. It’s just annoying to me, and The Husband (trying to be the dutiful son) keeps trying to justify it – “Well, business is good for them right now so they know they can leave now with no worries – it might not be good next year.” Or “My grandfather has been sick lately but he’s doing better – he might be very sick next year and they might not want to leave then if he’s really ill.” And “Well, wouldn’t it be better for them to be around next year in case we need help with the baby? At least we don’t need help right now.” If, if, if. What if my aunt had balls? Then she’d be my uncle. One of her ideas, to make it up to me/us (just the fact that you feel like you have to make amends to someone for something proves that you know it isn’t exactly right!), is to throw a second shower when she’s back. It took me long enough to become comfortable with the idea of one shower, never mind two. I am not a fan of this idea – I really do not want two showers when one would suffice.

Okay, this post took a turn for the worse. If you read through all of that, please accept my apologies. Rant over. But if anyone out there has any recommendations on any products they had and loved/couldn’t live without, or that were a waste of time and money, I would love to hear about it.

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Sunshine Day

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Yesterday we had our 18 week anatomy scan. I am happy to say that, again, everything looked good! It is strange to keep getting good news, when in the past I feel like I’ve ever received bad news. And now, this is the furthest I have made it in any of my pregnancies. I almost don’t know what to do with myself now. I knew the land mines and what to worry about for the past 4 months; now what do I worry about? There has to be something.

Baby is still measuring a week ahead – I was 18w4d yesterday, he measured in at 19w4d. My cervix is still long and closed, at exactly 4 cm. Dr. T said that, because in each of the past two scans my cervix has been on the long end of what she was looking for – she said she was looking for anything between 2.5cm – she doesn’t think my cervix was damaged by any of the D&E’s, particularly the procedure I had at 19 weeks. Heart rate was steady at 155. We saw all of his major anatomy again – fingers, toes, kidneys, stomach, heart, brain, etc. Dr. T said everything looked beautiful and at this point she has no anatomical concerns, but she is going to be seeing me monthly for growth scans. She said that in any other patient, she would not see them or have a scan (unless there was an issue) until about 28 weeks. However, given my history, she wants to see me monthly and I am fine with that. Between my MFM visits and my regular OB visits I’ll continue seeing one of my doctors every two weeks and I think that has been working out well for me with quelling my anxiety and making me feel I’m getting the support I need/want.

I also started feeling movement about two weeks ago – not “flutters” but it feels like bubbles popping against the front of my abdomen. At first it was only occasional, and not very strong, so although I thought it was the baby I also thought it could have been just things stretching and pulling and maybe even gas! But now it’s been more consistent, and stronger, and it’s definitely baby moving. We could also hear him moving at my last OB visit, when we listened on the doppler. We could hear the heartbeat and then random other noises, and when I asked what it was she confirmed it was him moving all around.

I had my first obnoxious comment from a coworker on Thursday. I was walking towards our cafeteria, which is on the first floor and you have to walk past the main entrance to get there. One of the ladies who works in my department, but on another team, was walking in from her lunch break and walking towards me. I saw her looking at me, and then she stopped and waited for me to walk up to her, and with a teasing grin on her face and asked “Have you been eating one too many cookies?!?” And I just kept walking past her and said “Yep! I have a crazy sweet tooth!” And she laughed and stood there but I kept walking. She was clearly expecting a stop and chat, and no way was I going to stop and chat with her after that. She’s a nice woman in general, in her 50’s with grown children of her own, and I can’t imagine she would have said that unless she was thinking I would confirm that I was pregnant. But although I like her, we aren’t so close that I would confide in her and she is also very good friends with one of the ladies I supervise, and I haven’t told my direct reports yet. Also, the lady she is friends with is probably the most difficult, high maintenance of the three I supervise and I don’t feel like letting her know right now. Even though at this point I have a bump, it’s definitely out there and getting harder to hide. Oh well. So yeah, the cookies comment annoyed me and I went immediately to my friend N’s office to tell her about it and she was as outraged as I was. Another question I keep getting, from those in the know, is whether or not we have a name yet. No, we haven’t decided on a name (although we have a few we like), and when we do we aren’t telling people. I don’t want to get stuck with a name – what happens if we see him and think he doesn’t look like that name? And I don’t want to see people’s reactions ahead of time. I am not good at hiding my reactions all the time, and I don’t want to see someone’s face change when I tell them what we’re thinking of; I don’t want to know if they like it or not, I don’t want to hear their ideas, or hear “Have you thought about this?” blah blah blah. My mother has been the worst offender with this question. So much so that I tell her I’m hanging up the phone on her if she even asks again.

So, things are cruising right along for now. My mother has been a busy bee and she’s gone a bit nutty, buying me all kinds of maternity clothes from Kohl’s and Macy’s, not to mention the baby outfits. I told her I am going to take her credit and debit cards away. She’s also gone into high gear with my friend M in planning a baby shower. The thought of a baby shower makes me very uncomfortable; I guess because I keep thinking “What if something bad happens again?” in my head, and I can see how excited she and my mother-in-law are getting. And I know she just wants to make me happy and have a shower that I am going to love, but it’s hard for me to think about themes (I told her adamantly that Baby Boy is enough of a theme in itself and I DO NOT WANT ANY THEMES!!!) and registering and guest lists when some days all I can think of is getting through my next appointment. I am excited too, but more cautiously so. However now it’s starting to feel more real, and more people know (just our close family members and close friends, but that’s more than who knew a month ago) and now that we’re progressing further I feel like I have to start thinking about the nursery and strollers and car seats and things of that nature. There are so many options, and so many sources of information and reviews and safety guidelines, it’s like information overload and then it’s hard for me to make decisions. I’ll figure it out but I might lose a few hairs first.

I hope my Canadian friends had a great Canada Day yesterday! And that my US friends have a great Independence Day on Monday. We are going to watch some fireworks on my mother and stepfather’s boat, and I’m very excited to hit the high seas to watch the fireworks instead of dealing with crowds.

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Early Anatomy Scan

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Thank you to everyone who commented and had such nice words of  encouragement on my last post! It really was so nice to read during what has been a nerve-wracking time.

We had our early anatomy scan this past Monday with MFM. I am happy to say that baby has two kidneys and plenty of amniotic fluid! Dr. T said she was very, very pleased and encouraged with everything she saw – the heart, the brain/skull, kidneys, fluid, cord- all  looked well.  We could see everything from his little fingers and toes to the four chambers of his heart. He was also not shy at all and we got very clear views of his boy parts, so it was a good thing we already knew and didn’t want to be surprised. There were no signs of spina bifida, but she said it was too soon to definitively rule that out since I was only 16 weeks and there were still some parts that just weren’t big enough to fully see and measure, although he is still measuring a week ahead. She also recommended I have the AFP screening done at my next visit with Dr. F.

My two biggest concerns, obviously after hearing about the kidneys and fluid, was the position of the placenta and how my cervix was holding. Dr. T agreed that those were valid concerns and had obviously already thought of that (that’s why she’s the expert!) She showed me on the scans that my cervix was long and measured at 3.98 and I have a posterior placenta that is nowhere near the cervix right now and does not appear to be attached too deep, etc. Because it is posterior I should be able to feel movement soon. We have a follow up scan in one and a half weeks and she will be checking the cervix again to make sure it is still long.

All in all it was a good news day. I hope it keeps coming!

I still vacillate on when and how to tell people. On one hand I just don’t want to have the conversation, even though at some point it can’t be avoided. On the other I want to be in control of the information. But I am definitely showing a little bump now, so if it isn’t obvious to some at this point it will be soon, so maybe I’ll just wait it out.

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The Girl Who Cried “Pregnant!”

I feel like a fraud. Y’know:

a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.

In other words…impostor, fake, sham, charlatan, quack, mountebank (never even heard of mountebank before, thanks Google!) A fraud of a blogger. A fraud of a friend. A fraud of a coworker. A fraud of a pregnant woman.

In my last post I mentioned that I had many posts in draft (up to 18 now!) that I just didn’t feel like publishing. I think that’s a metaphor for how my life has been since April. I have been safe in my cocoon at home, basking in being a hermit, and I haven’t wanted to change that. I’ve been afraid to change that.

The fact is, I am (almost) 15 weeks pregnant. I will be 15 weeks on Monday. This is the farthest I have made it since my first pregnancy in 2014. We were able to rule out anencephaly at 10 weeks. At 12 weeks the nuchal scan came back low risk, and last week we got our NIPT results back – normal/low risk on all of the chromosomal abnormalities for which they tested. The heartbeat has been strong. All of our ultrasounds have looked normal. We have been getting good news at every visit and we’ve had plenty – three MFM visits/ultrasounds with Dr. T and two OB visits thus far.

Every time something gets checked off the list – No anencephaly! No chromosomal abnormalities! – I move on to a new worry. I briefly considered purchasing a home doppler, but the nurse at Dr. F’s office talked me out of it and I think that’s a good thing. But I miss the days of being hopelessly blissful and ignorant. Knowledge is power, and I’ve certainly been advocating for myself and asking my questions but I wish I didn’t know so much about what could go wrong, and I knew more about what could go right. The number of different worries that flit in and out of my mind each day are things that were never on my radar in 2013 or early 2014. And I don’t want to see people, because I don’t want to tell people, and at this point I’m starting to either look like I’ve put on some pre-summer pounds or I’m pregnant. My belly is definitely thicker, and I’m probably one of those women that you look at and think – is she gaining weight or is she pregnant? (Rightly or wrongly we’ve all had those thoughts run through our head when we see a woman who’s looking bigger, yes?) And it’s starting to look less like I ate a big dinner and more like a bump. Every time I think I am ready to tell people – first I though we would tell after we ruled out anencephaly, then I told myself after the nuchal scan, then I told myself after we got the MaterniT21 results – I always think of a new reason to delay.

So, I am pregnant. We are having a boy. Come November I should be giving birth to a son. I feel like a fraud because every other time I’ve been pregnant something terrible has happened and then I am no longer pregnant and without a living child to show for it. I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed, but every time something goes wrong I feel like all I do is get people’s hopes up (namely, our parents) and then they just get dashed with bad news. I am hoping this time is different. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never be one of those pregnant women who sing it from the rooftops and tell people as soon as they get a positive test. I honestly feel like I could just tell nobody and let them find out when they will. Organically. No big announcement. If you see me and I have a bump, then you know I’m pregnant. If you see me next year and I’m wearing my baby boy in a sling, then you know I had a baby.

I don’t know how often I will blog for the time being. Even writing this, publishing this, makes me feel superstitious and like I might be jinxing things. Everything has been going well – why change the status quo? But if all progresses well and baby is healthy it will become obvious to those around me anyway, so I can’t hide forever. It’s not that I’m not excited. Believe me, I am excited that things have been going well and (so far) everything looks healthy. I am excited to have a son. I am excited that this is another chance for our dream to come true. But the fear is real.

Now, I am going to shower (I actually got sweaty on my morning walk – summer is approaching!) and then watch some of the Six Feet Under marathon HBO has gifted us this weekend. I forgot how much I enjoyed it the first time around – with the notable exception of “That’s My Dog”… no single episode of a television show has ever made me so uncomfortable… not only was David hijacked, but I felt hijacked while I was watching it and I plan to never watch that episode again. Very f’ing disturbing. I will be skipping that episode for sure.

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Begging for some Ben and Jerry’s 🍦

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Please Stand By…

Hiatus

 

Hello Blog… No, I haven’t forgotten about you. In fact, I have about 15 posts in my Drafts folder, but I haven’t had the desire to hit “Publish.” I have been reading along with all the blogs I follow though, so I am keeping myself up to date even though I don’t always comment (but I do try to “Like” to show my support.)

No, I don’t have any genetic test results back yet. It’s been about two months since Children’s received all the samples, so I’m not expecting them back for another month or two anyway. Still….waiting…. and waiting…

I haven’t had it in me to post here regularly. Some of it is trying to take a step back from social media, including this blog – I’ve been Facebook free for over two months now! I do miss seeing updates from some people, particularly those friends that don’t live near me in Massachusetts, but I figure that there’s email and phone calls and if you aren’t someone that I’d email or text or call, then I don’t need to know your business and you don’t need to know mine. It’s quite liberating, except my Nana misses posting things to my page. So instead she’s taken to leaving messages for me on The Husband’s Facebook wall, instead of calling me directly. I wonder if she remembers how she contacted me before Facebook?!?!:)

Other than that… one day at a time. The weather is finally more like “Spring” and less like “Winter’s Last Gasp”, work is fine, The Husband is fine, our pets are fine. We are looking for a new house, which is a stressful situation, and we haven’t really found anything we love yet. Our house isn’t on the market yet anyway. So maybe someday soon we will make that happen. I would love to get out of our current city and back to the town where we both grew up, but looking for a house is a lot harder now that I’m older and not a first time homeowner – I have a lot more demands (or, “wishes”), and less of a desire to do work to improve a house. I want a house that’s move-in ready!

Until next time… Please Stand By. One of these days I’m sure I’ll finally have the urge to hit “Publish” on those 15 posts. If I don’t, at least I’ll have them for me.

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Dream Until Your Dream Come True

A few nights before Christmas I had a dream. That I had actually given birth to a live, healthy baby boy. The labor wasn’t too bad and had lasted only a few hours. And our baby, alive as can be, was in the room with us.

He didn’t have a name. And the nurse told us – You CANNOT leave until he has a name. We had waited so long for that moment, to have a child, and we couldn’t name him. Nothing seemed good enough. We couldn’t decide. We were happy, excited – and indecisive.

I think the name Seth was involved. I don’t remember if that was his first name, or middle name, or maybe just a name we were tossing around. But it’s the only name I remember from the dream. And this dream has stuck with me. I think about it often.

Currently loving: My new Alex and Ani Angel Wings Pull Cord Bracelet

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Two Year Blogiversary

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Today is my two year blogiversary! Or is it a blog birthday? I can remember the day I signed up for my blogspot, that sunny spring day in April 2014. Although nothing has appreciably changed in my life over the past two years (I’m pretty much in the same spot + two more losses) life feels different. I feel different.

I never set out to have followers or blog friends – for the most part I just wanted an anonymous outlet for my grief and the feelings surrounding my first loss. But then I found other blogs by people writing about similar experiences to mine. Now I have close to 200 followers and thousands of comments and have “met” many compassionate, empathetic people from across the globe!

So thank you to everyone who has left me a kind comment (or many kind comments) expressing your support. Sometimes the world feels evil with such terrible events taking place, but when I read your messages it helps restore some faith.

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